I drove to chicago...in my mind, in my mind.

Today I graduated from College! It's so insane. I don't even know how that happened, the years flew by so fast. They really did, I swear to god. The coolest feeling ever was when we were walking into the stadium. All of the families were cheering. I finally felt like a graduate walking with my cohorts in the matching black gowns and caps to the band playing the traditional graduation songs. My bestfriend in the whole world Michael graduated with me today. He's moving to Chicago tomorrow. I had to say my goodbyes to him. He told me to try to find him afterwards if we could. Luckily, we had about an hour before to chat and say goodbye but still I wanted to see him again, after everything was all done. As I was getting in line to receive my diploma, I saw him..he was about 10-15 people ahead of me, walking fast. He was in grasp. Then at that moment, my graduation didn't matter. The diploma ahead of me didn't matter. The pictures the professionals wanted me to stop and take...sure as hell didn't matter. I had to get to him. I kept my eye out but he reached the gates far before I did (this is where the swarm of people congregated after one received their diploma). So my hopes were to reach to him after I got outside the gates. Once I got outside, right in front of everyone were my parents and sister. Really, how sweet and caring. They wanted to see me! But at the time, I felt kind of annoyed (which I feel bad for) but it was a distraction from my mission. I was losing time to catch up. He was slipping farther and farther away from me with every stop I had to make. I told my parents we had to keep moving..so we did. I kept looking and looking. You weren't anywhere to be seen. Where were you? The cellphone was off. I couldn't find you. Then I stopped. My parents wanted to take pictures with me so we stopped in front of Reser. And right as my sister was about to take the photo, I started bawling uncontrollably. I ran to my sister, snuggling my face in her arm so maybe no one would see how awful I was acting. My whole my family was huddling around me. They kept asking "what's wrong, what's wrong". In my incoherent mumbles in between fits of crying, "I lost him, I lost him!". But my family couldn't understand me, they thought I lost something in the stadium. "No, I lost Michael!". I don't think I will ever forget this feeling.

And everything is moving to the beat.

ahhhh! I feel like I'm being annoying, complicated, and pesky! All traits in which I can't stand at all. I like being simple. I like going with a thing that I like to call "the flow". But right now, I don't feel like that's even an option or maybe I'm just not letting it be an option. This time, I'm going to Europe and I'm not coming back (for a while atleast). This is so legen (wait for it, I hope you're not lactose intolerant because this is going to be big)dary, that I can't think about all the other aspects in my life that are happening at this very moment. I told myself I wouldn't even plan until after I've graduated but I've failed at that. It's complicated because of this...my plans keep changing and more people are involved. I have to make sure that I'm on the same page as my friend (which is pretty dang easy) but this is where it gets complicated I have to be on the same page as my swiss family and the swiss embassy. I need to be at a certain place at a certain time in order to get a working visa...this is stressing me out..big time! I can't go with the flow when things that precious are on the line. I have so much anxiety that something has to go wrong somewhere down the line...hence me trying to go to sleep and not being able to. A summer travelling northern europe then going off to spain for a week then moving to switzerland. Life can't be like that. I think I'm about two pesky e-mails away from giving myself a nervous breakdown or my friend truly hating me. -I'm stressing about stupid things. I know. People are starving or fighting wars. And here I am stressing about leisurely travelling and getting visas.

Love will keep us together...right?

On Friday, I became gravely aware of my financial situation. Unless, I bank some real cash during graduation..I'm not sure how things are going to look for me this summer. I hate thinking about finances. I hate hate hate it. I like to shove in that place...you know that one..the one where all the things you don't like thinking about (corruption of society, friend betrayal, family secrets, lost love, war victims, sweat shop victims, the filthy rich, how powerless you really feel) live. Well, suffice it to say, I like to stash my own financial situation in that very category that lies dormant in my mind until something external awakens it, then the thoughts gush out like an active volcano. There's no telling when it's going to stop. I panic. What am I going to do? I apply for a couple side gigs like babysitting but people are looking for someone to stick around for those positions. Seriously, who is going to be employ a girl who will be leaving the country in a month? It would be utterly stupid. Shit, so what else can I do? I have to sell myself. Not in the prostitute kind of way. But the way that is some-what materialistic. I have to sell my things. I've never been much of a hoarder and I really don't have a lot of material possessions to claim to my name. What I do have are some books and clothes. Those won't really bring much cash. I had to think bigger. I had furniture that my parents weren't claiming as rent compensation so I considered them fair game to trade. This includes a couch, guitar, t.v, leather computer chair, and bike. To my surprise people were biting. I sold my computer chair the very next day. The couch will be going soon too and as for the bike...there's no telling how much longer I'll have that thing but I know that it's been my companion. It will be the hardest to let go. I was excited to get some money but at the same time it was sign. It was sign that my dreams were awakening. I didn't need that stupid chair anymore. What use is it for me anyway? I can't pack into a 50lb suitcase. I thought about moving to europe for years and years now, even before I left for college. It seemed so off into the distance that it was always just a dream, a dream that I never really had a grasp on. But when I sold that chair. It was so much more than just selling a chair, it was selling a bit of my life. The life that I made here. It brought this engulfing emotion to me that is hard to even categorize. I wasn't feeling happy but I wasn't feeling sad. It was a feeling that I've never felt before. I hopped on my bike almost immediately and rode it around the country side until I reached my destination. The miniature woods. The place close to my house where I've been going to reveal all my secrets. Sometimes to a friend or lover. But mostly, I just tell the woods. While I was riding, I started to cry. It came out nowhere and I wanted nothing more than for it stop. I didn't want anyone seeing me. I didn't want to look weak. Memories kept flashing through my mind of growing up here and I knew that it wasn't just my dreams that were awakening but it was yours too. You are moving to chicago the day after graduation. You are so utterly in love. You have a job in the field that you want. I'm so happy for you but I don't see where I fit in that dynamic. Maybe it would have been better if I left first, maybe I would feel like it was more me leaving you than the opposite way. I knew at that moment that I no longer had the time. The time to mend things. The time to banter about ridiculous things. The time to drink wine or go on a cruise. Those times are so over. At that moment, I realize, we are grown up and there's no going back. When I finally get to my tree trunk that's fallen over the tiny creek of my tiny woods. I sit there in silence. It's funny when you plan huge life alterations, you think of all the things you gain but it's not until the end where you realize the things your losing too. I look around at the overgrown brush, the running creek, the sky that is barely visible from the vibrant green leaves blocking it. "I'm going to have to lose you too", I say aloud to the woods.