Helplessness Blues

What happens when you want to run away from the place you ran to? 4 months, 15 days. I've been in Switzerland. I have about 7 more months ahead of me... I feel like I wake up just to close the curtains. I want to be adventurous. Spontaneous. Carefree Sarah. But I don't feel like I'm living. Not at all. It's like I'm falling in a bottomless pit and with each day, I feel a foot deeper...making it harder to get out of the pit. I feel so helpless. I don't want to be here but I don't want to be "home"...that would be even worse. And let's say I even did want to go "home"...there's not even a place for me to go to. I love Europe. I love Munster, I love Vicenza, and the UK. But Switzerland...I have never felt a connection with. I feel like there's no where to go. Which is the hardest thought to grasp.

I am just a poor girl.

Lastnight I chatted with my dad. We talked about the upcoming year and where it may lead me next. Unfortunately and foreseeably, he wasn't too happy about what he was hearing. Even after being here for 6 months, i don't want to come home. Even if that's what he's been wishing. I'm still me. I'm still trying to make it to the UK. My sister told me, they never took me seriously. I was hurt and confused by that. How could you not to take me seriously? I never was one to flake out or be a sedentary dreamer. My dad told me my ideas were flakey. Even if I did get into school to get my masters in the UK next year, how would I ever afford it? I stayed up lastnight I felt so much anxiety from what he was saying. I feel like the world is going against me. I can't be a teacher there. Or have any job with my qualifications. I need to get my masters there. It's the only way. I always wanted to live in the UK. Before I even met you. But now the stakes are so much higher. and means more to me now than it ever did. I'm so terrified of failing.