I wonder how it's going to be when you don't know me anymore.

Another night. Where I can't sleep a wink. I think this is how it's going to be from now on. I really do. I'm graduating in a month and half! and Today I spent hours making invitations with my mum. Clearly, I had to do some thinking. Who was I going to invite to these shindigs? Would it be weird to invite ___ or ___. But they've made such an impact on my life that I couldn't imagine not inviting them to my big event. If it's been ages, will they still remember me? Or is it now inappropriate because of new life circumstances? I don't know, some of the most influential people in my life aren't the conventional family members that are automatically invited, but damnit they still need to know how much they mean to me. Which of course got me thinking about these people or the connections that brought me to them. I'm starting to realise how much I lost or am losing. I always think about the new life that I'm going to gain as soon as it's July 15th and the things that I'm going to gain with it. but lately at night it's hard to sleep because I know that this really is the end of an era for me and my life is going to look a lot different...which I hope it does. hmm I guess I'm left tonight with the thought of, Did I give you up? Or did you give up on me? sometimes I just want my sister back. or sometimes I want my bestfriend who will drink wine in a can with me. or just that person that I can call to talk about nothing with. I guess this is what fills my head at night lately. Distance isn't really just a measure of feet or miles...some of you are so close. It's like i'm reaching out for something and my finger tips can graze it but I can't actually get a hold of it. That's what you feel like to me. It's frustrating and little disappointing. If moving across the ocean isn't what's keeping us apart, then what the hell is?

Sometimes you've just got to let go.

When I was growing up in the late 1990's, there was a huge field by my house with abandoned farm houses, plum trees, a pond, and a huge tree where we built a rope swing and fort.

I can diverge and talk about how I loved growing up like that. Everyday was an adventure with my neighborhood friends.
It wasn't sitting at home playing (insert video game name here) in an enclosed room like many children do now.

But this is not what this post is about.

So let's continue..shall we?

One day when I was ten, I was walking home from school as I usually did with my usual group of friends.
I remember I saw it first..

I stopped in my tracks.

My tree fort and swing were torn down. Yellow caution tape covered the tree.

That was my first memorable moment where something beautiful that I helped create was torn to pieces without my consent.

I resented the houses that were later created. Those construction workers, those families, every person involved on that side of the street was the enemy. I felt personally attacked. They took away my fields...they took away everything that I've come to know.

About seven years later, when I got my beachcruiser after highschool graduation, I rode it all the time. I used to ride the path to Alton Baker on a weekly basis.
There was this white swinging bench facing the river about half way between the start of the bike path and the end. I would always sit on it to read or write or to just think.
I adored that bench.
I also felt this weird ownership to it. Even though it was so clearly not mine to keep.

I told you. I have somewhere special to take you before I leave this summer.

So, I came back to Eugene and the sun finally decided to show his face! I hopped on my beachcruiser at the first chance. I wanted to ride back to Alton Baker. I wanted to see my white bench.

I was getting closer and closer.

And then I looked over.

there were two poles, two hanging chains...

and a sad empty space.

I had that same feeling that I felt when I was ten. It was such a vivid feeling that you could almost bottle it up and put it on a shelf.

Once I made it to my final destination, I sat on another bench and I thought about this for a bit.

There was only one thing I could do.

I had to let it go.

because when things like that happen... there's no going back.

no matter how much you want to.

What kind of life do you dream of? You're allergic to love..

Today, I got to hang out with one of my friends who I haven't seen in ages! It was so nice, we just chatted in her car about life and reminisced about old times, boys, and everything in between. In between the reminiscing and boy talk, I remembered something...
Me and my last boyfriend broke up two years ago today.
You ask, why on earth do you remember this?
Well, it so happened to be on the night of an important event of my travel abroad life.

More importantly, that means that I have been a single lady for two years now. That's the longest I've gone since I was 13...

A lot of people right now are in serious relationships, living together, getting married, and even having children.

I guess, I've gone the opposite direction and I know I talk about this a lot but I really realized that my ideals have changed drastically the past few years.
I used to be that girl who lived with a boy, wrote sweet notes in the morning, brought cookies to his work, and slept beside someone every night with my tableside lamp on reading while he was tucked in the covers dreaming away.
I was a girlfriend kind of girl.
definitely.

The last couples years, I got the taste of the travelling life which included meeting loads of people, gaining knowledge and experience, and constantly feeling life like really really feeling like I'm alive.

So I came back and stopped searching for that husband esque person. I started searching for ways to become more knowledgable, and pouring my heart even more into school and research. I also, searched for those breath taking whimsical life moments that don't come from every day humdrum.

Yesterday, as I rode my bike along the river and eugene bike paths of alton baker. I saw this couple and I somehow just really envied them.

They sat on a bench. His Arm around her. Looking at the rapid river. Completely silent.

I decided, that's what I want.

I want a love where I don't have to say a single word at times but enjoy life for the company and everything along with it.

I think it's beautiful.

I really do.

100 days of Sarah.

Lastnight I couldn't fall asleep.

I laid on my bed in the dark by myself.

I didn't count sheep..I counted in my mind how many days were left until I moved to Europe.
31 (may) + 30 (june) + 15 (july) + 24 (April)= 100!!

It's strange, I never counted the days before but I had this instinct feeling to count them lastnight and it was perfectly 100.

100 days of Oregon...the United States. Then who knows when I'll be back.

I always knew when I would be back before. But now the world is so open and it's just me.

It still doesn't feel quite real.

100 days.

What does that mean? Well so far..

day 100: Slept in, made homemade french toast ( was craving it)...wasn't as good as my mums, worked out, went to the eugene public library, overhead two guys sitting by me talk about their time in prison, ate lunch at cheba hut (white widow never tasted so good), rode my beach cruiser around, saw my sissy, hung out with the parents.
song of today: sea of love by Cat Power.