The past and the pending

Dear God (or blog) (or someone), When I was a little girl. I waited by a window every Friday night. I've said this in a blog before but these Friday nights have impacted me to my core and I've got to be candid with you. It's been since April since I wrote and well that's when everything happened. I've been trying to process ever since and now I'm trying to process the scariest thing I have ever... my dad's inevitable death. I told you that I'm going to be candid and raw and I mean it. I mean it so much. When I waited when I was a little girl, I hoped and hoped that my dad would come home sober. He never did. And since the cancer diagnosis, the operation and the stroke, if he wants to live he has to be sober. But he wont. My dad. MY DAD searches for cigarette butts and hopes for an extra puff. My dad sneaks a taste of wine or gets away with having a beer here and there. And Friday night, I came home to my dad drunk. It shattered my insides. He wont stop. He wont stop even though he's finally got me here. He wont stop even though he has new grandbabies from my sisters. He wont stop even though he's missing most of his pancreas and had a stroke. This translates to me as a big fuck you. A very big one. It's as if I'm not worth living for or my family. His will for living is minimal. It eats at me...everyday. Does he know what he's doing? Does he know that I sob at night and feel lost? I feel like my whole life I have waited for this man to give that kind of life up for me. I wanted him to love me so much that there was no other option but to make me feel whole. And I just feel now more than ever that I can't be blind anymore. I can't keep thinking that it's all going to turn around and he's going to choose life over alcohol. I feel as though, I need to come to terms that my dad isn't going to be there to walk me down the aisle or go to Fenway with me. Every time I hear my phone ring and see it's my mum calling...I hesitate... I take a deep breath and pick up as my heart rate raises and my emotion detector is on full. I need to know within seconds how my mum's mood is..."does she sound scared, shocked, worried, sad or all of the above"...is today the day she going to tell me that my father's body has had enough. Do you know how awful of a feeling that is to feel every time your mother calls you? I'll tell you, it's indescribable. As I lie here in my bed after a long Monday, I can't help but think about watching Forest Gump with my dad over the years. I grew up with that movie and we quote it and have a laugh. But he never knew that as I grew up, I felt like Jenny, in a way. I felt absolutely helpless and I would pray..to who..I don't know but I still did it. I would pray with my whole being over and over again to escape. I want to escape this too. So God, please make me a bird so I can fly far far away from here.

She believe she could, so she did...not.

It's been almost three months, a quarter of a year, 90ish sunrises and sunsets. And I think I am finally ready to answer your question, that complex, convoluted, hell of a question,...."how are you?". Since, I have been surviving (I wouldn't dare to call it living, I can't be that dishonest to you nor myself) in the states, I have been asked that question from friends near and far, close and acquaintanced, distant family and intimate and everyone else in between. I tend to answer A. Sarcastically: I'm living the dream B. Short: Alright. C. If possible/best case scenario: not reply since it's via text/social media/ any other passive form of modern communication which doesn't necessarily force a response. I find myself feeling very cynical at the moment; people love to hear gossip, people love to hear that others are failing in life more than themselves and hearing those juicy details will only make their lives seem better in comparison. I am trying not to give you some sad pathetic moan when I see you or give you the chance to delve into my soul by divulging personal details since I know it means so little to you and so much to me. I can't do my being that sort of injustice. However, my written words will be a way to shed some kind of light to answer this question. It's the only way I know how. So.... I wanted to be the epitome to that saying "she believe she could...so she did". I wanted to be the damn poster child for that female empowerment propaganda. I was an independent, driven woman who wanted to find meaning and live a fulfilling life which positively impacted those who I met. I wanted a life far away from the fake, spray tanned, pill-popping, capitalist country we so proudly call America. I wanted out. Living there has and will always be an identity mismatch for me. As Larry said on page 74, living there is a betrayal to my soul. I couldn't put that so truthfully and eloquently. So you know what, I did, I did believe I could make it out and could find a way of living that was more of a match. I believed it with every molecule of my being. Not only did I believe but I spent every minute trying to find a way to stay. Countless calls to foreign offices, meetings, interviews, applications, research and more research. Metaphorically, I bled myself dry. That wasn't enough though. So. She. Did. Not. How I am then? I am empty. I am lost. I am, in the most simplest of fashions, not okay. I've lost my drive and a way of life which I loved. On top of that, I met a boy who I love and he's still there and I'm not. I guess what it comes down to: there are two things that can sum up why I am not alright or okay or good or fine or totally awesome, man: I have left my soul and soulmate in a place where I cannot be. It is not just a void, it's so much more than that. A void would mean that just something is missing. To me, everything is missing.

There must be something between us, even if it's only an ocean

As time is ticking and uncertainty is the only thing certain, I can't help but endlessly think of possible future scenarios. But tonight, I wanted to watch someone else's love story. And as I was looking through all the fictitious romance films, I realised something about my own non-fiction relationship. This is a romance worth watching. And part of me doesn't want that, I like seeing Michael everyday, making dinner, evening t.v series, playing cards, morning snuggles, drinks with friends, and repeat. You know, all of the non-movie worthy stuff of a relationship. But in the larger scheme of things, we aren't in an easily paved path to forever and ever (the one I have seen many times before) and we never have been. I met him on a plane; I am American and he is British/German. I should have known then, that things would never be conventional. We have gone from long distance to living down the road to living together and soon....and soon we could be miles apart or even an Atlantic ocean apart. This is a road that is unpaved, curvy and sometimes even dark. Some days are absolutely beautiful with so much love and laughter. Others, are full of fear and heart ache. It may just be a love that is all over the world, where sometimes we are together and sometimes we are not. But one thing that I have learnt through these trials is that the when someone means the world, the world cannot tear you apart...no matter what.

Did I say I'm just a Girl? You can hold me to that.

Dear Blog, Time is a funny thing. I always loved summer. It was always a time when life was carefree and full of wonderment. A time when I could roam various European cities with new friends or a time when I could take road-trips to the nearby beaches or lakes with old ones. It always meant that nights would be infinite and bed-time would only come after hours of dancing or hours of chatting beneath the stars. This summer does not feel like that at all. I guess it makes sense though, for once, I dreaded that the summer months would come; I would have preferred to keep autumn, winter, or spring in my grasp. In a way, this summer is also full of wonders. But not the ones I have been fortunate enough to be accustomed to. I wonder if I will be able to stay here and continue on with my life and my love. I wonder if the world will tear me apart from a place I truly love and more importantly a person who I love even more. I wonder if the phone will ring and tell me that I have an interview? I constantly wonder how I am going to defy the odds of living in a generation where having a degree is a dime a dozen and a generation where border control is unyielding and unforgiving? Rather than staying up until the wee hours discussing grand future endeavors, I find myself waking up in the wee hours in a panic and finding it hard to physically breathe. Life feels the opposite of carefree, it feels so burdensome and so scary. My parents always bigged me up and made me feel like I was truly unstoppable, That I, Sarah Elizbaeth Demoran, can conquer the world. But at the end of the day, I am just a girl.

America isn't so bad...if you don't think.

After spending about two years abroad, my mind is thoroughly set...I am slashing a major notion. This notion is of course one that is brainwashed into our beings from birth and that is of course, that America is the greatest damn nation to ever exist. Bare in mind a few things if you decide to continue. I am coming at this from a feminist and children's rights perspective. Also, I am only comparing America to other developed countries. I am completely aware that where I come from isn't the worse place on earth or that I have been severely deprived. So here it goes Sarah's top reasons why America isn't so great 1. America is individualistic to the core. For instance, let's talk about raising children. Did you know that other countries such as holland, germany, and the UK give you a monthly allowance if you have children? No not welfare children but ALL children. This is an inconceivable notion as an American. But raising children is a social thing. Parents do not carry the entire weight of raising a child. But The society puts interest in children for the sake of producing productive people for the common good. 2. America promotes debt. Our own president even admitted to recently paying off his student loans. I think it says something that I can move 7,000 miles away to a prestigious international school to get a Master's degree and still be paying less than if I would have continued at OSU or UofO. Also, other countries have free university such as Denmark or they pay very very little to go. Worst case scenario; Europeans have loans for school but they never accrue interests AND you don't have to start paying until you make "X" amount of money. Whereas me being an American is accruing interest as we speak and will have to pay off massive loans even if I don't have a brilliant high paying job. Why aren't more people outraged?!?! 3. Entities for the common good don't exist. Universal healthcare (people are still fighting that) which is inconceivable to non-americans. Once again, this goes to individualism. We care about ourselves and if we can provide for our family. We don't think about other people. At all. Period. It is working for other places and if us Americans can get off our own highhorse and think about the common good...than this should not be an issue. Another point, why do we invest so little in our children? The law is 3 months unpaid maternity leave (this may be better if you have an awesome employer) but this is the general standard. Whereas many countries it's 6 months + and paid. Places like France have universal free childcare. In the U.S if you want to send your child to a decent pre-school or nursery you are shelling out heaps of money. 4. Our money is spent on war. The pentagon controls most of the money allocation. Our money is going overseas and not at home!!! What are we trying to even accomplish there, really? oil? If you look at the top countries who spend the most on war..we are #1 obviously but #2 still spends far far less. How are we okay with that? This all springs from.. learning about the United Nations Child's Rights Conventions. TWO countries didn't sign. Somalia and the U.S. Somalia doesn't have government. I think this is enough to make anyone question where America's priorities lie.

Little Darling

Friday morning. 9:30am. I woke up in Michael's bed in Edinburgh. He had to go to class so I got a goodmorning kiss and a wee snuggle before he was off. Then I was on my own, I was tempted to back to sleep for a bit longer since my meeting wasn't until 11:30 but the sun was shining and I was happily awake. I hopped in the shower and slowly got up for the morning. Made michael's bed and left a note. After that, it was my turn to be off to my meeting with the international department at the University of Edinburgh. I gave myself extra time to make a quick stop for a tea to go. It was just me and my cuppa walking carelessly along the sunny streets of Edinburgh. I took each step with ease and occasionally stopped for a sip of tea. I made my way to exact building without a second guess and I felt like I belonged. I had my tea, sun, tunes, university, city, and my morning kiss. This is how life is supposed to feel like. After the successful meeting, I had a few hours to be with my city. I walked to the baked potatoe shop that I have visited everytime I've been here. I sat in the warmth and loved it every bite of it. Then I walked around the Royal Mile, stopped and found the BEST FUDGE SHOP IN THE WORLD! it's absolutely amazing and Michael loves it. So I bought a slab to bring home to him. The guy out sampling saw me walking out and he said "hey look at that girl, she has a bounce in her step and it's because of our chocolate". You were right, I did have a bounce in my step that day but it wasn't solely because of your scrumptious fudge. Then, the moment came where I put on "Here comes the sun" as I was walking around the busy "Princes Street". The shops were on my right and the castle/grassy hill/park was on my left. I looked around while i listened and at that moment I knew this is exactly where I need to be. I don't think that there was a happier person on all of Princes Street than me at that moment. I came home back to michael's cottage afterwards. Surprised him with fudge, relaxed for a bit, and then read my novel right beside him as he studied for his exams. Later on we had beer in the meadow with some friends and ate at Nandos for dinner. It was the perfect day. Simple but absolutely perfect. I got in. I have my money. If nothing life shattering happens in these next 3 months. I'm moving there. I'm really moving to the UK.

The Perks of Being Across the English Channel

Dear Blog, As you know, I met this guy named Michael. Well we may like each other a little bit. A little bit sooo much that we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend even though that meant being apart for basically an entire year. Not "apart" apart..I mean hell I saw him 3 weeks ago and will see him again in 4 days. What I'm trying to say is that I'm dating this really good looking man with awesome eyelashes and a huge fantastic smile who happens to live an inconvenient distance away from me. It's really easy to think of all the negatives and strains that come along with it...like waking up alone in your swiss twin bed to screaming children or not having someone to kill the plethora of spiders who reside in the same house..and obviously not having someone to ummmm have fun with? Anyways if you are thinking about embarking on such an endeavor just try to look on the bright side. Here is the list of all the good things about dating someone far away. 1. Not having to consistently shave my legs. Who am I trying to impress...really? 2. Having bad breath on dates is okay. People can't smell over skype. 3. Shamelessly snoring. Aka going to bed without the fear of being shaken every hour. 4. Facing Fears. Spiders aren't going to kill themselves, have you ever heard of a suicidal spider? Radioactive..yes. Suicidal..I don't think so. 5. Maintaining a degree of independence. It can be nice to still have your own individual identity sometime. 6. Not sharing. Sometimes I just want to eat the ENTIRE pizza...okay? 7. Granny Panties Daily. Comfort over sexiness. Yesssssss. 8. Selfish movie selections. I can guilt-free watch my emotional movies and eat my ben and jerry's too! 9. Not having to meet my family. For obvious reasons. 10. Every moment together is special. Boredom doesn't exist. Love, Sarah