Sometimes you've just got to let go.

When I was growing up in the late 1990's, there was a huge field by my house with abandoned farm houses, plum trees, a pond, and a huge tree where we built a rope swing and fort.

I can diverge and talk about how I loved growing up like that. Everyday was an adventure with my neighborhood friends.
It wasn't sitting at home playing (insert video game name here) in an enclosed room like many children do now.

But this is not what this post is about.

So let's continue..shall we?

One day when I was ten, I was walking home from school as I usually did with my usual group of friends.
I remember I saw it first..

I stopped in my tracks.

My tree fort and swing were torn down. Yellow caution tape covered the tree.

That was my first memorable moment where something beautiful that I helped create was torn to pieces without my consent.

I resented the houses that were later created. Those construction workers, those families, every person involved on that side of the street was the enemy. I felt personally attacked. They took away my fields...they took away everything that I've come to know.

About seven years later, when I got my beachcruiser after highschool graduation, I rode it all the time. I used to ride the path to Alton Baker on a weekly basis.
There was this white swinging bench facing the river about half way between the start of the bike path and the end. I would always sit on it to read or write or to just think.
I adored that bench.
I also felt this weird ownership to it. Even though it was so clearly not mine to keep.

I told you. I have somewhere special to take you before I leave this summer.

So, I came back to Eugene and the sun finally decided to show his face! I hopped on my beachcruiser at the first chance. I wanted to ride back to Alton Baker. I wanted to see my white bench.

I was getting closer and closer.

And then I looked over.

there were two poles, two hanging chains...

and a sad empty space.

I had that same feeling that I felt when I was ten. It was such a vivid feeling that you could almost bottle it up and put it on a shelf.

Once I made it to my final destination, I sat on another bench and I thought about this for a bit.

There was only one thing I could do.

I had to let it go.

because when things like that happen... there's no going back.

no matter how much you want to.

What kind of life do you dream of? You're allergic to love..

Today, I got to hang out with one of my friends who I haven't seen in ages! It was so nice, we just chatted in her car about life and reminisced about old times, boys, and everything in between. In between the reminiscing and boy talk, I remembered something...
Me and my last boyfriend broke up two years ago today.
You ask, why on earth do you remember this?
Well, it so happened to be on the night of an important event of my travel abroad life.

More importantly, that means that I have been a single lady for two years now. That's the longest I've gone since I was 13...

A lot of people right now are in serious relationships, living together, getting married, and even having children.

I guess, I've gone the opposite direction and I know I talk about this a lot but I really realized that my ideals have changed drastically the past few years.
I used to be that girl who lived with a boy, wrote sweet notes in the morning, brought cookies to his work, and slept beside someone every night with my tableside lamp on reading while he was tucked in the covers dreaming away.
I was a girlfriend kind of girl.
definitely.

The last couples years, I got the taste of the travelling life which included meeting loads of people, gaining knowledge and experience, and constantly feeling life like really really feeling like I'm alive.

So I came back and stopped searching for that husband esque person. I started searching for ways to become more knowledgable, and pouring my heart even more into school and research. I also, searched for those breath taking whimsical life moments that don't come from every day humdrum.

Yesterday, as I rode my bike along the river and eugene bike paths of alton baker. I saw this couple and I somehow just really envied them.

They sat on a bench. His Arm around her. Looking at the rapid river. Completely silent.

I decided, that's what I want.

I want a love where I don't have to say a single word at times but enjoy life for the company and everything along with it.

I think it's beautiful.

I really do.

100 days of Sarah.

Lastnight I couldn't fall asleep.

I laid on my bed in the dark by myself.

I didn't count sheep..I counted in my mind how many days were left until I moved to Europe.
31 (may) + 30 (june) + 15 (july) + 24 (April)= 100!!

It's strange, I never counted the days before but I had this instinct feeling to count them lastnight and it was perfectly 100.

100 days of Oregon...the United States. Then who knows when I'll be back.

I always knew when I would be back before. But now the world is so open and it's just me.

It still doesn't feel quite real.

100 days.

What does that mean? Well so far..

day 100: Slept in, made homemade french toast ( was craving it)...wasn't as good as my mums, worked out, went to the eugene public library, overhead two guys sitting by me talk about their time in prison, ate lunch at cheba hut (white widow never tasted so good), rode my beach cruiser around, saw my sissy, hung out with the parents.
song of today: sea of love by Cat Power.

I was walking with the ghost..(Get out of my mind)

Today I have felt bogged down.

I don't know why.

I feel sort of haunted all of the sudden. It's weird because I haven't felt this way..not like this..for a while.

Maybe it's because the term is ending, and the idea of me leaving for good is coming more and more real.

I can't help but think of all of the beautiful things that I had in this chapter in my life that got messed up in one way or another. These people and moments really truly feel like ghosts.it's like I can see them right before my eyes but they aren't really there. Lastnight I felt more alone than ever..maybe like someone should have been there beside me. But no one has been there beside me..in a long long time.
Why do all of the sudden, I feel so empty and longing for these past connections?
It's like if I don't have them now, they won't ever happen again, it's like it never existed.

I feel like Joel from Eternal Sunshine where he's pulling on the bedsheet, just whispering so strongly "Please let me keep this memory"

I guess I woke up in a funk.

Sands overrated anyway.

Girl you'll be a woman soon...

Today, it was so nice on campus. The blue skies were out, people were walking about with their orange and black gear on, and it was even warm enough to carelessly walk with no coat.
As I was listening to music and walking back to my car from a swim. I started to cry.
I can feel the knots in my stomach as if a cat was physically kneeding it's paws on my insides.
Two weeks.
That's it.
How did that happen?
I made a life in Corvallis and it seemed like yesterday...
When..
My dad was yelling at me that I was going to a "shit hole school" and one of my dear friends was having a complete meltdown that I was leaving.
I left and it wasn't easy. I pondered going to OSU during early fall term but I don't think if it wasn't for Alistair, I would have ever ended up here. Even if that didn't work out as how I wanted it to at the time, I'm happy I made that leap.
I met some of the best people in my life.
LJ, Laura, Alyssa, Eric, Elizabeth, Nikki, Tera and Brian. All of my Jambies. Our crazy adventures of sitting on roofs, skinny dipping in rivers, hurdling tera down my street, singing at the top of our lungs to mgmt and vampire weekend. Those are the authentic college experiences that I think everyone needs to enjoy. It's crazy that within two years all of us have spread out to different parts of the world from Brazil to Spain to Chicago to Germany to New York. Our carefree lively spirits didn't just end with the passing summer sun, we are the people that we've always wanted to become and even if I miss you, I know that your doing what you love.

Most of all, there's that one person. That one person that completes your other half. Going to OSU wouldn't have been the same without you. Shit, nothing would be the same without you. Michael, from the blowy nights of walking miles in the rain down the traditional walk down Harrison St. to letting the know world that we were the clintons to making valentine creations with mass amounts of franzia to even just lying in bed way to late talking too eachother about everything. Will we ever feel that free again? Will I ever feel as connected with someone? I don't know.

Moving here has been one of those life decisions that I am so happy that I made. It changed everything and made me a much bolder/stronger person than ever before.
I already miss it.
But all of my friends are moving on. Figuratively and literally.
There isn't really much here for me anymore.
I need to go back to Eugene, I need to spend my last few months in the States with my family. I need to finish where I started.
I have to pack my bags because it's time to move on.

"We are young, we run free, keep our teeth nice and clean, see our friends, see the sights, feel alright"

Wastin away again in margaritaville

Aloha,

So I spent three weeks in Oahu, Hawaii from December 17th to January 5th. I'll post about my teaching experiences on my other blog but let me indulge on here and dibble dabble on my own island living experience.

Stories:

#1: Wastin away again in Margaritaville: As we were finishing up our first big 45 hour week with the kids; myself and two of my friends decided it was time to experience Waikiki and the beach.I spent six days on this island without seeing a beach. I was antsy to say the least. However, I lived on an airforce base and the president was flying to Honolulu that night on airforce one, of course. We didn't know what time, it's all very hush hush but once he lands the whole base is on lock down and nobody can come in or out. We wanted to go out so we were going against the clock. Dressing as fast as possible, running down 9 flights of stairs, people yelling at us from balconies saying that we were never going to make it. But WE DID! WE GOT OUT! This was the start of one of my funnest nights during the trip. We sat on the beach, talked, laughed, told stories, i jumped in the water in my dress, and then we walked. We saw this hawaiian band playing. Beau insisted on them playing Margritaville. As for me, I was high on life, I was near the beach, listening to great music and enjoying the company of my new friends. So I thought what the hell and made beau dance with me to the song. I definitely tripped and fell on the bands equipment. I didn't let that stop me, we continued dancing, but my friends who witnessed this especially Sam, didn't let me live it down.

#2: I work out? For christmas eve and christmas I hung out with ryan,jen,sami,and abby for the most part. We had dinner at the infamous dukes (where I tried Hula pie..for free!) and hard rock cafe (which is a first for me). It was a very relaxing weekend. Went up to northshore and sandy beach to swim. Went on a hike by the 50 first dates lighthouse where we could see miles away in each direction (it was beautiful and green everywhere), walked along cliffs by the ocean, snorkled at hanuama bay, and drove around. Each time we drove the same rhianna song would come on and so would "i'm sexy and I know it". I will always think of hawaii whenever I am fortunate or unfortunate to be graced by these songs. We also saw this hilarious street performer. "This is not easy...This is sexy!".

#3 Western Friday: The last hoorah for the 20 or so of us all together was at the country bar on base. Tried to line dance..for the second time in my life. I remember thinking about life while I was dancing. I'm not a country girl in the least bit but I couldn't help but laugh, smile, and keep on dancing. Isn't that what life is about anyways? You keep on dancing and most importantly smile and enjoy it, even if it isn't your favorite or normal tune. I couldn't help but think about all the tunes I've danced to either, from german ballads on german tables to irish pubs with new friends to rome beds with my bestfriends to margaritaville the pervious week and now this. I realized I haven't just done a lot of dancing, I've done a lot of living!

#4 Aloha 2012 The morning of December 31st started at 6:00am for me, after not getting back from line dancing until 2:00am. As I lay in my heavenly cloud-like bed in my own hotel room, I thought "It's 6:00am on a saturday, I have to pack my 50 lbs worth of things, walk them down a mile of Waikiki to a hostel with a sub par bed, noise, and no air-conditioning. Suffice it to say, that may have been one of the hardest times to get out of bed since Edinburgh circa August 24th. But I did it! unfortunately not everyone else who I was going with stuck with this early plan. Molly and I were the only ones down stairs. We ended up hanging out in her room for about an hour until all of us were ready to jam luggage ( 7 peoples' worth) into Robyn's rental car. We were in such a big hurry that I had to leave my things at their hostel which was a mile away from my own. We went to the swap meet and with a little bit of Laura's awesome but bad influence I spent way too much money there on souvenirs and such. We also, ran into this guy "Frankie" who gave us a $40 bargain on a pub crawl later that night with entry/1 drink at each bar included. Sounds pretty good for New Years Eve, I'd say! Sign us up!! After travelling on a bus back to waikiki from Aloha Stadium it's about 3:30 and I had a checklist before meeting my friends for dinner/pubcrawl. 1. drag my luggage to the other new hostel and check in 2. shower and get ready 3. buy a new years eve dress 4. walk back to their hostel.
So #1 With my drawn out directions, I start heading towards the international market where my hostel is. It's just me, foreign streets, my purple suitcase, duffle bag, ipod, and a time crunch. hmm I've been in this scenario before, it took me back to a place in my heart that I love, I was back in traveler Sarah mode and even with lack of sleep and the hawaiian suns rays touching my every being, I felt oddly alive at that moment. I made it to my hostel, I'm becoming more direction saavy. This started to happen during my second summer due to the lack of travelling with the most brilliant bird in the world (Brigette)! Anyways once I get to hostel I chat with a gay russian receptionist about him turning 21 that night. He was hilarious!
#2 Got to my room, showered, did all the girl things. etc.
#3 Bought a white lacy dress and gold necklace from the BIGGEST forever 21 in the world. It was Amazing! and I'm lucky that my money didn't run out right then and there.
#4 On the road again! back to my friends hostel aka Waikiki beachside hostel.
It's about 7:00pm this time and all of us have high spirits of the night and are lookin our darn best. Drinking bacardi and sprite in red plastic cups to start off our night.
So we go downstairs and there's this live band who have that very hawaiian sort of sound. They played Tom Petty songs and Sublime and Oasis. "Life's too short so love the one you got!". Even got to hear/sing Last dance with Mary Jane with my fellow Tom Petty lover Molly. We had amazing FREE dinner which consisted of stringbeans, mashed potatoes, and potroast. They even gave us those fun new years blowers and happy new years hats and crowns. We took photos with hula dressed men. Then we were off to the PubCrawl...

I'll leave you with that cliff hanger.

But I'll give you a few spoilers: there were stolen leis, homeless dogs, and aussies that came from that night. And after a little bit of drama we only had to pay $20 for that pubcrawl which consisted of about 4 drinks for me and not paying one cover. I'd say worth it..especially in the "Hi".

Stay Tuned to Find out More!

Aloha!

Self Indulgence.

Re-cap of my travels on 2011:
Italy -verona,venice,lucca,rome,cinque terre, rimini beach, asiago.
Croatia-premanture, pula
UK- London, Edinburgh
Germany-Munster
U.S- Crater Lake, Reno, Santa Rosa and Napa Valley.
and in two weeks I'll be in Honolulu, HI

I think for most people any one of these places would have been enough to be happy to go to in one single year...well maybe not Reno. That place is shit. The rest are great!
Anyways I feel like my friends and family think i'm milking this travel cow too much.
But I have a theory, everybody has their things.
for some people that might be spending their money on a photography hobby or snowboarding or new x-boxes/wiis/computers/tvs etc. Or making their house look fabulous with new decor/bedding/furniture/the works. Or maybe you're a movie buff and have a collection of hundreds at home.
Whatever it may be. Those things make you happy in one way or another which I will never bash or look down upon.
However, I don't buy shit. I barely have any clothes, my laptop is 4 years old, I have the cheapest camera created. And I have a rule..don't buy things that won't be able to fit in a 50lb. I live frugally to say the least and when I travel..my souvenirs tend to be postcards and little knicknacks like coasters from bars that i've been too or tickets to museums and such.

These travels may seem extravagant but if you only knew/saw the way I was living. You would realize..that they aren't.

This is "my thing" and would rather not feel like I'm a completely self-indulgent bitch for pursuing something that makes me brighter than the sun.