Love will keep us together...right?

On Friday, I became gravely aware of my financial situation. Unless, I bank some real cash during graduation..I'm not sure how things are going to look for me this summer. I hate thinking about finances. I hate hate hate it. I like to shove in that place...you know that one..the one where all the things you don't like thinking about (corruption of society, friend betrayal, family secrets, lost love, war victims, sweat shop victims, the filthy rich, how powerless you really feel) live. Well, suffice it to say, I like to stash my own financial situation in that very category that lies dormant in my mind until something external awakens it, then the thoughts gush out like an active volcano. There's no telling when it's going to stop. I panic. What am I going to do? I apply for a couple side gigs like babysitting but people are looking for someone to stick around for those positions. Seriously, who is going to be employ a girl who will be leaving the country in a month? It would be utterly stupid. Shit, so what else can I do? I have to sell myself. Not in the prostitute kind of way. But the way that is some-what materialistic. I have to sell my things. I've never been much of a hoarder and I really don't have a lot of material possessions to claim to my name. What I do have are some books and clothes. Those won't really bring much cash. I had to think bigger. I had furniture that my parents weren't claiming as rent compensation so I considered them fair game to trade. This includes a couch, guitar, t.v, leather computer chair, and bike. To my surprise people were biting. I sold my computer chair the very next day. The couch will be going soon too and as for the bike...there's no telling how much longer I'll have that thing but I know that it's been my companion. It will be the hardest to let go. I was excited to get some money but at the same time it was sign. It was sign that my dreams were awakening. I didn't need that stupid chair anymore. What use is it for me anyway? I can't pack into a 50lb suitcase. I thought about moving to europe for years and years now, even before I left for college. It seemed so off into the distance that it was always just a dream, a dream that I never really had a grasp on. But when I sold that chair. It was so much more than just selling a chair, it was selling a bit of my life. The life that I made here. It brought this engulfing emotion to me that is hard to even categorize. I wasn't feeling happy but I wasn't feeling sad. It was a feeling that I've never felt before. I hopped on my bike almost immediately and rode it around the country side until I reached my destination. The miniature woods. The place close to my house where I've been going to reveal all my secrets. Sometimes to a friend or lover. But mostly, I just tell the woods. While I was riding, I started to cry. It came out nowhere and I wanted nothing more than for it stop. I didn't want anyone seeing me. I didn't want to look weak. Memories kept flashing through my mind of growing up here and I knew that it wasn't just my dreams that were awakening but it was yours too. You are moving to chicago the day after graduation. You are so utterly in love. You have a job in the field that you want. I'm so happy for you but I don't see where I fit in that dynamic. Maybe it would have been better if I left first, maybe I would feel like it was more me leaving you than the opposite way. I knew at that moment that I no longer had the time. The time to mend things. The time to banter about ridiculous things. The time to drink wine or go on a cruise. Those times are so over. At that moment, I realize, we are grown up and there's no going back. When I finally get to my tree trunk that's fallen over the tiny creek of my tiny woods. I sit there in silence. It's funny when you plan huge life alterations, you think of all the things you gain but it's not until the end where you realize the things your losing too. I look around at the overgrown brush, the running creek, the sky that is barely visible from the vibrant green leaves blocking it. "I'm going to have to lose you too", I say aloud to the woods.