Following Rivers.

Dear Blog, I'm very sorry that I have neglected you ever so much during these last six weeks of life. I hope and my readers are forgiving. For you see, life really caught up with me there and taking the time to reflect was not on my top priorities...very unfortunate, I know. But alas I am back! Where to even start? This truly is the trouble when one fails to give attention to a blog. Leaving: That night, I didn't sleep. How could I? I was leaving around 3am for the flight of my life. When we finally got to the car, I was wide awake and ended up driving us to the airport. Oddly enough, I've never driven to the airport on my own or even to portland before this. But here I was, me and my family. Mostly though, I felt connected with my little lilahbug. She's my beloved car, after all. It was our last journey together. That car always symbolized freedom to me. Freedom to sing loudly. Freedom to feel the wind through my fingertips. Mostly, freedom to leave and go on a different path. Airport: It wasn't until I saw the anxious smiley faced Jamie that I realised that I was going. I was so excited at that moment, nothing could bring me down...not even my parents who were more or less gutted at the fact that I was leaving. They both cried and part of me wanted to cry to show that I DID care and I DO love them a lot but I couldn't..I didn't cry at all. I was too excited and was more than ready to leave Oregon. Luckily, my sister was at the airport as well and was able to console them and keep their spirits somewhat up. This is what I love about my sister..she stays calm in any situation and takes care of people. She's so selfless. I realised a few nighs prior to me leaving when there was an incident in my family..my sister stayed! she stayed! I ran. I always run. It's my instinct. The munch town..the moonch moonch..MG: For the last 6 weeks I have been living in Mochengladbach at a British Military base! I've made really good friends with my fellow camp adventure ladies and even made some british friends. Some highlights: Watching the Olympic Ceremonies with the brits while drinking magners! I've never felt so patriotic in my life. God save the Queen...indeed! Playing thumper on our first friday with all our new friends! The many nicknames of Jack aka Jack Jack, J-Razz, Shifty J The numerous nights just bullshitting with everyone out in the court yard or griffendor longue. The moment Jack Jack came to our house with 5 things of Ben and Jerry's. Getting in trouble for being barefoot. Dodgy Rob and his delicious blueberry pancakes served on a special silver platter just for us. Tick Trail. Mich Mich! Travelling Our first weekend, all of the rheindahlen girls went to Koln on Saturday where we climbed up the narrow winding steps to the top of Europes tallest Cathedral. We also ate Pizza! which was much desired after a week of Cassel's meals. The next weekend was my birthday, I went to Brussels with Tanya,Michelle, and Michael. This is where my love of waffles really began. However, very disappointed of this iconic pissing baby statue. There were replicas that were larger than the actual thing..gutted...especially when I made everyone search for it with me. Luckily, my birthday meant belgian beer (framboise..YUM!) whilst playing rummy with everyone. At night it took us ages but we found this bar called Celticas! It was a lot of fun...even got to dance for a bit. Lastly, I ended my 22nd birthday walking around the beautiful belgian town with Michael. The next day, while sharing a waffle..Michael + Sarah was official. It was such a nice day that we tried to find a park but only found a homeless refuge. We eventually laid outside of a cathedral for a while...which was a lot prettier/a lot less sketchy. Dear blog, I am keeping my promise to...for once, I know! The next weekend was BEERFEST in Berlin! We hurried out of work as fast as we could and caught the next bus out of the Rhine. After we got to the center, we had pizza (again..but still amazing) where I stole a coke (going to hell for this). The german pizza guys loved us though because we were from "California" and they insisted on singing us the Phantom Planet's song titled..Califronia. Shocking! Anyways after being wired from the stolen coke, delicious pizza, and the idea that I would soon be reunited with my bestfriend Brigette and my boyfriend in BERLIN...I didn't want to sleep on that 5 hour journey there. This lead to ridiculously loud banter and laughter between Alice, Mich and I ...there may have been some bets concerning two of our friends as well. Suffice it to say, we really over shot on that one. Anyways, we learnt that fresh fruit from trainstations aren't nearly as appetizing as those back at home. But still an upgrade from the mushy apples at cassels. Once we got to Berlin, I found myself in the largest trainstation in all of Europe. It was mental, there were escalators going every which way for levels up and down. Luckily, it was pretty simple to find Michael. Then we were off to our hostel to meet up with brigette and his friend (Mathieu..he's french so it's pronounced "Ma-Choo" and I like to call him Ma Choo Choo..or choo choo train. This trip has been all about nicknames..Right so once we got to the St.Christophers inn, Ma-Choo bought me a magners and all of us drank and bantered on for a while. The next day, me and brig went on a walking tour where we found Beau, Jeanine, Kristen, and other Camp A friends from back home. It's so cool running into people you know in places that are so foreign. In the past year, I've hung out with Beau in Berlin and Hawaii..How cool is that? -here I go diverging again. Right, so we were on this walking tour where we went all around the city of Berlin. Saw the main sites; including the wall, check point charlie, hitler's bunkers (the parking lot that is now on the spot), holocaust memorial, and where Michael Jackson showed off his baby "Blanket" on the balcony of a Berlin Hotel. It was a very informative tour. Once, we were done, we were at Museum Island but I was exhausted after the walking and heat. Michael ended up coming to Museum Island where we splashed around in the fountain a bit (loads of fun) and laid around in the park surrounded by old beautiful museums (also fun). Clearly we didn't rest enough because when we got back to the hostel, we took a nap and went into deep sleep almost instantly. I really didn't want to get up, but I did! Because it was BEERFEST! The beer tents seemed to be endless. There were hilarious German bands as well performing. I was loving the fruit beers...such as cherry beer, raspberry beer, and my favourite..Banana Beer! The next day, it rained so me, michael, and choo choo train didn't get to go to the tier gardens as planned but instead sloshed around in the rain looking at cheap records and haggling with street merchants for jewelry (got my locket for 7 instead of 12)! My shoes were soaked though but luckily we ended up inside... in a "California Burrito Grill"..which was surprisingly good and met my mexican cravings..for a minute atleast. I could still use a mexi night at my parents house desperately. By that time, it was time to head out..we caught the train back home. Long train rides seem to go by fast with Michael. Oh by the way. I was introduced to "I follow rivers" that weekend which is a very catchy tune that hasn't left my head since that day. It's always the first song me and Michael listen on any car ride. It's almost dinner time at Cassels...meet and potatoes surely. Yumm :/ More soon. promise. x x x x

I drove to chicago...in my mind, in my mind.

Today I graduated from College! It's so insane. I don't even know how that happened, the years flew by so fast. They really did, I swear to god. The coolest feeling ever was when we were walking into the stadium. All of the families were cheering. I finally felt like a graduate walking with my cohorts in the matching black gowns and caps to the band playing the traditional graduation songs. My bestfriend in the whole world Michael graduated with me today. He's moving to Chicago tomorrow. I had to say my goodbyes to him. He told me to try to find him afterwards if we could. Luckily, we had about an hour before to chat and say goodbye but still I wanted to see him again, after everything was all done. As I was getting in line to receive my diploma, I saw him..he was about 10-15 people ahead of me, walking fast. He was in grasp. Then at that moment, my graduation didn't matter. The diploma ahead of me didn't matter. The pictures the professionals wanted me to stop and take...sure as hell didn't matter. I had to get to him. I kept my eye out but he reached the gates far before I did (this is where the swarm of people congregated after one received their diploma). So my hopes were to reach to him after I got outside the gates. Once I got outside, right in front of everyone were my parents and sister. Really, how sweet and caring. They wanted to see me! But at the time, I felt kind of annoyed (which I feel bad for) but it was a distraction from my mission. I was losing time to catch up. He was slipping farther and farther away from me with every stop I had to make. I told my parents we had to keep moving..so we did. I kept looking and looking. You weren't anywhere to be seen. Where were you? The cellphone was off. I couldn't find you. Then I stopped. My parents wanted to take pictures with me so we stopped in front of Reser. And right as my sister was about to take the photo, I started bawling uncontrollably. I ran to my sister, snuggling my face in her arm so maybe no one would see how awful I was acting. My whole my family was huddling around me. They kept asking "what's wrong, what's wrong". In my incoherent mumbles in between fits of crying, "I lost him, I lost him!". But my family couldn't understand me, they thought I lost something in the stadium. "No, I lost Michael!". I don't think I will ever forget this feeling.

And everything is moving to the beat.

ahhhh! I feel like I'm being annoying, complicated, and pesky! All traits in which I can't stand at all. I like being simple. I like going with a thing that I like to call "the flow". But right now, I don't feel like that's even an option or maybe I'm just not letting it be an option. This time, I'm going to Europe and I'm not coming back (for a while atleast). This is so legen (wait for it, I hope you're not lactose intolerant because this is going to be big)dary, that I can't think about all the other aspects in my life that are happening at this very moment. I told myself I wouldn't even plan until after I've graduated but I've failed at that. It's complicated because of this...my plans keep changing and more people are involved. I have to make sure that I'm on the same page as my friend (which is pretty dang easy) but this is where it gets complicated I have to be on the same page as my swiss family and the swiss embassy. I need to be at a certain place at a certain time in order to get a working visa...this is stressing me out..big time! I can't go with the flow when things that precious are on the line. I have so much anxiety that something has to go wrong somewhere down the line...hence me trying to go to sleep and not being able to. A summer travelling northern europe then going off to spain for a week then moving to switzerland. Life can't be like that. I think I'm about two pesky e-mails away from giving myself a nervous breakdown or my friend truly hating me. -I'm stressing about stupid things. I know. People are starving or fighting wars. And here I am stressing about leisurely travelling and getting visas.

Love will keep us together...right?

On Friday, I became gravely aware of my financial situation. Unless, I bank some real cash during graduation..I'm not sure how things are going to look for me this summer. I hate thinking about finances. I hate hate hate it. I like to shove in that place...you know that one..the one where all the things you don't like thinking about (corruption of society, friend betrayal, family secrets, lost love, war victims, sweat shop victims, the filthy rich, how powerless you really feel) live. Well, suffice it to say, I like to stash my own financial situation in that very category that lies dormant in my mind until something external awakens it, then the thoughts gush out like an active volcano. There's no telling when it's going to stop. I panic. What am I going to do? I apply for a couple side gigs like babysitting but people are looking for someone to stick around for those positions. Seriously, who is going to be employ a girl who will be leaving the country in a month? It would be utterly stupid. Shit, so what else can I do? I have to sell myself. Not in the prostitute kind of way. But the way that is some-what materialistic. I have to sell my things. I've never been much of a hoarder and I really don't have a lot of material possessions to claim to my name. What I do have are some books and clothes. Those won't really bring much cash. I had to think bigger. I had furniture that my parents weren't claiming as rent compensation so I considered them fair game to trade. This includes a couch, guitar, t.v, leather computer chair, and bike. To my surprise people were biting. I sold my computer chair the very next day. The couch will be going soon too and as for the bike...there's no telling how much longer I'll have that thing but I know that it's been my companion. It will be the hardest to let go. I was excited to get some money but at the same time it was sign. It was sign that my dreams were awakening. I didn't need that stupid chair anymore. What use is it for me anyway? I can't pack into a 50lb suitcase. I thought about moving to europe for years and years now, even before I left for college. It seemed so off into the distance that it was always just a dream, a dream that I never really had a grasp on. But when I sold that chair. It was so much more than just selling a chair, it was selling a bit of my life. The life that I made here. It brought this engulfing emotion to me that is hard to even categorize. I wasn't feeling happy but I wasn't feeling sad. It was a feeling that I've never felt before. I hopped on my bike almost immediately and rode it around the country side until I reached my destination. The miniature woods. The place close to my house where I've been going to reveal all my secrets. Sometimes to a friend or lover. But mostly, I just tell the woods. While I was riding, I started to cry. It came out nowhere and I wanted nothing more than for it stop. I didn't want anyone seeing me. I didn't want to look weak. Memories kept flashing through my mind of growing up here and I knew that it wasn't just my dreams that were awakening but it was yours too. You are moving to chicago the day after graduation. You are so utterly in love. You have a job in the field that you want. I'm so happy for you but I don't see where I fit in that dynamic. Maybe it would have been better if I left first, maybe I would feel like it was more me leaving you than the opposite way. I knew at that moment that I no longer had the time. The time to mend things. The time to banter about ridiculous things. The time to drink wine or go on a cruise. Those times are so over. At that moment, I realize, we are grown up and there's no going back. When I finally get to my tree trunk that's fallen over the tiny creek of my tiny woods. I sit there in silence. It's funny when you plan huge life alterations, you think of all the things you gain but it's not until the end where you realize the things your losing too. I look around at the overgrown brush, the running creek, the sky that is barely visible from the vibrant green leaves blocking it. "I'm going to have to lose you too", I say aloud to the woods.

Well I love London..

Next year, I'm going to be a nanny in Switzerland. I'll get four weeks paid vacation! I can visit loads of places. I'm in the center of Europe. France and Germany are literally 30 minute train rides away from me. I get to learn a new language (German) and work a job that will be difficult but a nice transition from 4 jam packed years of college to becoming an actual teacher. Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm so excited for this. But you know me, I love London. I've dreamt about living there since I was 14. And sometimes I get a little bummed out on myself, like why didn't I try harder to get a job there for next year? I guess ever since I heard how difficult it can be to get a Visa, I panicked...I didn't want to end up jobless in the states. I guess, what I'm saying and am worried about is "Will I ever make it there?" After talking to professors and friends. I've been looking into international schools in London. They actually have job openings! It's brilliant. There's one that seems so perfect and is only 15 minutes away from the center of London! They have like 10 job openings! For me, this means, that I will love it up next year travelling and seeing new things! But while I'm there, I'm about an hour on a plane from London therefore I can visit and interview easily :) . I am going to work my ass off trying to get a position like the one fore-mention. I'll move there as a young 23 year old. It has to, has to, happen. I know plans never happen. And life isn't what we ever want it to be. But this..this has to happen. If nothing else. No husband or children. It's this. I can't let myself down.

White Blank Page

Last week, it was warm enough to do one of my all time favorite things... watch the stars. As I was laying there with one of my bestfriends in one of our favorite parks, we were talking about me leaving the country soon and all of that. I turned over to him, in all seriousness... and said. I can't see my future, it's like a blank page and that scares me. I can't picture getting married or having children. I have no idea where I'll end up or who I'll end up with. I can't see me as an old woman. Is this normal? His answer wasn't very comforting at all. His answer...I can see me getting married, having my dog, and my children. Coaching soccer. The whole sha-bang. Ever since then, this thought has been running through my mind. Why can't I see it? Does anyone else feel this way? Is it because I'm single? Is it because I'm flighty? Is it because I'm ending this chapter of my life? Or because maybe I'm not meant to even live that long. ahhhhh! my thoughts are so loud that I can't hear my mouth..

From Matilda to Ms.Honey

Today we were assigned to write a reflection piece of the steps we've taken to become the teacher we are or want to be. As I was making that drive home down HWY 99 from OSU back to my house. I contemplated this question... Where did Sarah as a teacher begin. Was it the day I volunteered in Crista's class four years ago? Or was it rooted far before that. Of course it was. It really was. I had an "aha" moment in my brain. It started to make sense. The pieces were fitting together to the puzzle that was me. Let me indulge a bit. When I was a little girl, I was always told by family members that I looked like "Matilda" or the "the little girl from Ms.Doubtfire". As I look back on younger photos of me, they're totally right (besides the haircut)..we really did look alike. What they didn't know was that I didn't really connect with Matilda because of how she looked but because of who she was. Well yes my parents were no Wormwoods but at the same time they weren't helping me with homework or even checking it for that matter. Bedtimes didn't exist..neither did bedtime stories. Dad sat home every weekend watching the tele. Every time I tried to talk about something of meaning, my mum quickly changed the subject to hair styles, celebrities, or boys. She still does...and I can't begin to tell you how disheartening that is to me. I love my parents, I really do but the academic bar wasn't set high for me. I had this innate intrinsic motivation and love for school. I LOVED school. During the summers I had total freedom but between the ages 5-8 I spent many hours reading these "read and answer" type of books. They were my favorite past time for some reason, even though those are what most kids hate and are very similar to standardized testing. I loved reading and loved the feeling of getting the correct answer. I also had my math books that I would work on throughout the summer. My parents never told me to do them, I told them to take me the store to buy them. Isn't that what every other kid did during the summer? Well..that's what I thought back then. As I grew older I was always a major player in class discussions and took everything very seriously. One thing I can honestly say is that I never took for granted my learning. Now it's 2012, I ran into one of my good friends from Highschool who I had various classes with the other night. He gave me loads of hugs and in between he kept saying how proud he was of me and that I worked the hardest in school out everyone. Maybe that is and maybe that isn't but that gave me perspective. School was and always will be my "thing". Now back to Matilda, she was like me because she had this innate drive and love of learning. However, without Ms.Honey, I wonder how Matilda would have turned out? What would of become of her? I'm no longer a little girl or the student. I am changing roles from Matilda to Ms.Honey. I can only hope that I will be as nurturing, loving, and passionate about teaching as this fictional character was. Teachers like this are

how students like me and Matilda make it. I need to give that back, it's such a strong feeling. I feel like I need to give that to somebody. Lastly, Thank you Daniel Dawber for getting me. You have no idea how happy it made me the other day when I was describing the teacher I am and you said "Like Ms.Honey" without even knowing that I wanted to be like her.