Feeling fresh?

"She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly. Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere...."

"They"..the infamous they who knows all. I'm not sure who they are but i'd like to meet them. Anyways they say that smell has the strongest link to memory but I disagree. I'm currently sitting at the Beanery, my favorite little coffee house in Eugene and this song comes on. I've never heard it play in public or have listened to it in years for that matter. It instantly put this weight on my heart. It brought me back to this place, a place where I felt at home here, possibly for the last time. I sat here thinking how I feel the opposite of that. Once there was a time where I felt connected with another human being. A time of lying around in bed under the heavy dark blue comforrter, that took me months to get used to it's heat, listening to this mix of yours including this particular song. You would play it just because you knew I liked it even though you grew away from it far before you even walked into those double doors of my smoothie making teenage job. It's weird for me to think about those times because truthfully I seldom do. I grew so far past it, as if i'm a completely different person. However, ever since I got off that plane last week I've been battling this feeling of loneliness. I did it backwards, I know that now. I was young and was serious with a boy while all of my friends were single. Now, all of my friends are wrapped up in their own serious relationships, and I'm the one alone. I guess that's the proper way of doing it. Crazy first couple of years of college and then "Settling" down in the later years. On a side note: I hate that phrase "settling down", who the hell wants to settle? It means not going for what you really want which is complete bullshit. I guess i'll never be traditionalist.

A man asked me a few minutes ago if i was having fun and feeling fresh? I must not be up to date on the eugene lingo.

Motes and boats and waterfalls. Alleyways and pay phone calls

Journal exert from August 30th 2011

I sit on the edge of Crater lake; a huge abyss is beneath me filled with perfectly blue rippled water. No swimmers, no boats; a completely undisturbed part of the world. As i'm trying to take it all in I hear my sis and mum say that I must get down. "Are you trying to kill yourself by doing that Sarah". I sigh, I don't feel like I'm in any danger and I can't comprehend how anyone can grasp the beauty from any other view. I still continue sitting there with my feet dangling off the edge. I wanted to feel the wind as it's intended to be felt. Powerful. Unyielding. Unapologetic. Real. Places and moments like these or anything really are constantly wasted on superficial film purposes. I want something more than that even if it meant that my family was waiting inside the rental impala for me. I could probably sit there for hours but ultimately that wasn't up to me. My mind wandered as it tends to do. I could think of only one person in the world who might just want to sit up there along with me. Maybe just maybe. I'm quite the good daydreamer but alas I come down to reality. I'm just as alone and left to be as the lake beneath my dangling feet.

Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun.

An exert from a journal I wrote a few days ago.

August 27th 2011

Currently, I am in London England at a park near Fulham Broadway sitting on a bench with a spectrum of noises surrounding me including the overhead plane flying past, the tube railway's train driving nearby, the children playing, and the birds gawking. It's all very relaxing. A mix of life all coming together as I sit here just watching it all. My three month Euro-journey is coming to an end ( in a long grueling 30 hr long sort of way). The tears always seem to swell up in my eyes when I think about it. I feel so much more at home here than there. I've grown past that life that I have left, it's like regressing everytime I go back to that place. When I was younger I wanted to live in London and now the electricity of that dream is circulating throughout my whole body. I cant feel it..I'm so close to it. In the span of one year I've succeeded in visiting twice. For an Eugene girl who came from quite little this is a feat that I can't cease to be proud about. Italy, Germany, here and everywhere in between brings me a special feeling of happiness. It's all a lot to fully process and I feel like I never have a chance to do so. I am ALWAYS on the move. I can't look back while I move forward. Always moving forward. Is it too much? I bought this antique-esque necklace clock the other day in Leceister Square, the man set it for the english time of course. I'll never change it though. No matter where I'm at I will always know what time it is in London.

Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart.

And I will Love you..

During these last three months, I spent a lot of time with Michelle. My room mate who I just crack up with daily. Walking around in barely any clothes with, eating top ramen with, jumping on roman hostel beds with, drinking spritz with, having our dinner and sex nights with. I spent a plethora of glorious moments with this human.

Also the rest of my "beezy" crew. The five completely different human beings that were stuck together for the summer. We created this bond that I have loved. From dancing in the rain to crying in laughter to never actually watching a movie. I will miss them dearly once we all go our different directions in the world.

But...

The ones who I spent the most time with this summer, were my kindergartners. Typing this is even bringing me to tears. I try not to get attached to people. I've noticed in life that they come and go and to become less attached...the better. I couldn't help it though. These children have impacted my life tremendously. Together 40 hours a week for 12 weeks. How can life be okay again without my "goodmorning ms.sarah" every morning. Or having them repeat different languages to me or the mass amounts of hugs and love I get everyday. Swing dancing with them and creeping around the classroom to the inspector gaget song. Every one of them has something about them that I adore. I wish I could see them grow, I wish they could remember me forever. I know that I'll remember them forever. It's the first time in life that I felt that I had my OWN classroom. I had control of what to do and how to handle things. It taught me a lot about being a teacher. I had many moments where my patience was tested or my heart broken from the lives some of these children have to live. If I could I would take them home with me. My last day in the Kinder room is tomorrow and it doesn't feel real. Won't I see them again on Monday? I notice myself getting a little excited every sunday night to go back to this kinder room of mine but this monday I won't be going back.

The life of the traveler really does have it's downsides. Saying goodbye...Will when I ever perfect this art form?

Fuck. This is so hard.

You'll never reach the end of the road while you're travelling with me...

I've been here for over two months. Time has been a weird thing. On one hand I feel like I've been living this life forever and there's nothing to come back to but on the other hand I feel like I've just arrived and summer just started. It's bittersweet for me. I love Italy. I love the culture where the piazzas are crowded and there's more wine than water. I love the people and how they are themselves; just walking around topless on the beaches or saying it like it is to whoever. Nothings reserved with them. It's like a breath of fresh air to me. Some people I travel with take offense or are disgusted in these ways but i like it. Today, I went to Lake Garda and kayaked. It was amazing, I loved it. Kayaking was soothing but a work out too. The lake was warm and the sights were beautiful. We were lucky enough to kayak through part of this castle. There were swans around which just added to the whole thing, it was like some sort of fairytale. The whole thing was very picturesque. At that moment, I thought about it all. The whole summer and everything that I've done. Hiking hours in Cinque terre, parasailing in Croatia, Writing to Juliet, making wishes in the Trevi, running on the shore of the beach, looking at the vicenza stars, playing cards in the piazza, gondola rides in venice, kayaking, endless gelato. How I'm going to miss all of these moments and this new adopted lifestyle. I'm not ready to go back to it...to Oregon. I have yet to be "homesick" which is also bittersweet. Mostly..sweet. This is just more confirmation that I can do it. I can move after I graduate this year. I'm strong enough for this without wanting to be back. All of my friends are moving on with their lives in different ways than I am which is what it is. It's my time for me too but I know it won't, can't, and will never be the way most of my friends choose. I hope it's not seen as selfish or completely nuts. I want to live in so many places. I really really do. Even thinking about signing up for a two year contract freaks me out, that may just be too long at my age. Not too long to be away from "home" ( or whatever you want to call it)..but because there's so many places to live and over one year in one place is a little long. We will see what happens with that. But as this blog is titled...I hold that as true as I can with the funds I currently have. On August 19th after my Italy adventure is finally up, I'm going back to Munster to visit my british mates for a few days and then up to Edinburgh for fringe and London for fun with my friend Nina. I can't wait to see this places again. Travelling with Nina will surely be great too, I feel like we're on the same page with our ideas on the whole thing and have a similar travel outlook as well. Lastly, before that plane takes me back to Oregon. I get to go to Newyork, Boston, and Capecod with my family. This is a dream come true to me. I've always talked to my dad about Boston. I used to wear boston gear when I was a toddler. I grew up with my dad staying up late to watch the redsox. Now at the age of 21 (perfect) I'll be there with him as well as my sister and mum. Everything seems perfect. There's just this one thing...but isn't there always? Oh blogspot, One day I will try to treat you better than a stand by boyfriend but there are places to see. Oh there are places to see..
Ciao! x x x

She rules her life like a bird in flight.

As my birthday is rapidly coming around the corner, I can't help but reflect on my 20th year on earth. A julia roberts-esque smile comes to my face when I think about it all. I started off my 20th year waking up probably around 8am, eating the finest breakfast in the world at J.B's which would include "fibre" cereal, toast, and questionable fried eggs with Nina and Brigette. Going to work around 9:00am to find a Banner reading "Happy Birthday Ms.Nala" and a copius amount of birthday cards from british children. "Have a Beatal Birthday" was my favorite of course. Shelly surprising me with the cutest card with a picture of my beatle on the cover and home made cupcakes was incredibly sweet as well. Leaving work with tears almost in my eyes from Molly singing me the beatles song "When I'm 64". Getting back to my flat with my two lovely flatmates and Shelly. Shell's mum taking us to downtown munster and us walking around the town trying to find the restaurant "Alex's". ..."We all look like hookers"....Sarah you can be 1920's hooker. Nina your california hooker. After making it to Alex's we ran into about dozen soldiers from base. Let's just say I never had an empty drink the whole time at the restaurant. As it was my birthday afterall, it got a little crazy. Flaming sambuca shots nearly lit the table on fire. I ended up running outside after a boy I would like to call "dimples" for a little birthday smooch. After walking around the town a bit and ditching the obnoxious soldiers. We met one of our soon to be favorite germans outside named Dan who we ended up hanging out with on various other occasions. Danced the night way in the elephant lounge with my girls and the my favorite brits. Got home around 4 and off to work again in the morning. Life was perfect.
When I was 20 years old my first week was spent in Paris. Next Amsterdam, Edinburgh, Dublin, Liverpool and London.
I would like to emphasize the last two. When I was in my early teen years I was fascinated with London. That's where I wanted to go more than anything else. I told everyone I wanted to move there someday and I still do. But no one took me seriously back then. I was poor. Camping was my vacations. I lived in Eugene all of my life. But even being poor I still made it happen. I went there. Who ever didn't believe in me can fuck off. I'm doing it. I'm doing everything I want to. And yes it takes so much work and energy. It's my life and I'm not going to sit here and let it pass me by. As for liverpool....well that's my meca. I still can't believe I've been there.

I grew up so much during that time. It was just me and Brigette two girls experiencing the world for the first time. My first day after camp was over, I was in a german airport by myself having to find a way to another german airport to get to scotland. I took a handful of trains/busses/taxis/ and plane in one day in foreign lands. It made me independent. As for Brigette, this girl changed my life. We were always with eachother for 2 months of this crucial changing point in my life. It's a special kind of bond which is so hard to describe. If you're reading this brig...love you so much.
Coming home for the year was hard. I felt disconnected with life back home. Everyone was on this one page and I was in a whole different chapter. Everything was the same but I wasn't. The world I always knew from before was seen in a completely different lense this time. I don't think i've felt so lonely in my life. Luckily, I had a roommate that knew how to cheer me up and made me blow off too much homework for hours of complete BS and drunken chinese food. But still, I lost my old time friends this year.


So I went to Italy and am doing it alone.
I'm currently here right now.
So at 20, I've been to all the forementioned places and then some...like Verona, Vicenza, Venice, Lucca, Cinqueterre, Rome, Pisa, Pula;Croatia, Slovenia.
I've learned a lot. Sure as hell have eaten a lot, laughed, cried, lived.

I'm not sure where the wind will blow for my 21st year on earth besides back to munster, ny, boston, (hopefully budapest or prague as well). But anywhere the wind blows doesn't really matter to me. As long as it keeps on blowing.
"If I stay in one place I'll lose my mind, I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with".

I graduate college this year too.
I'm not sure how my life has become what it is but it's more than I ever expected of myself at a mere 21.

PS. Daniel Dawbers. I know you're reading. Thanks for putting up with all of my nonsense this year. x x x

Barefoot on a summer night...

Croatia!

"Leave all your love and your loving behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive"
....The dog days are over.

This weekend I road tripped with Dominque and Bre to Pula, Croatia. I will remember it forever as the best euro-roadtrip that could ever exist.
We started off a bit rocky, we had to turn around about three different times before we even left vicenza. But what can you do besides laugh? So that's what we did. Unfortunately, Tammy our gps was a total bitch but she warmed up to us eventually. Once we got going on the road everything just fell into place. I absolutely love roadtrips. The feeling is euphoric for me. The perfect music blasting while singing along with friends ( in our case that would include I want you to want me, aint no mountain high enough, horchata, home, and of course the dog days are over), the plethora of snacks, the green hills, slovenian city lights, my ears popping from the rise in altitude, the passport stamps and just the overall excitement of being on a journey to some place new makes me feel really truly alive.
So...
Once we arrived in Croatia, Tammy, our gps, told us that we had to go on this one way road the opposite way which meant once again we were lost. Luckily Croatian lads that were going the right direction down the one-way in their car pulled over and actually led us the right way to this random little street which led us to our hostel. This is extremely lucky, I don't know how the hell we would have found it without them. By that time it was about midnight so we just dozed off right away in our surprisingly comfortable hostel beds. That morning we met our 3 hostel mates who are from Portugal (Gabriel, jenny, and Joanna). They made our trip everything that it was. We were initially going to just follow them to this national park in Premantura. While trying to leave the steep dirt road from our hostel, we stalled our Fiat...a lot. We couldn't even get up the hill. Gabriel came to our rescue (which he is quite good at doing) and drove us up the hill and into town so we could all exhange currency. Bre returned back to the Fiat with me and Dominque and we were off the Premantura. Premantura was beautiful. The water was so clear, I could see perfectly to the bottom as far as I could go out. It looked turquoise from a far. Croatia has unique beaches though, they are all rock and no sand. Lying around on rocks wasn't ideal but easy to get used to. We swam in the buoyant salty clear croatian water, got to know our new friends, and wondered around the national park during the day.
During the evening we all came back and got ready to check out the historic town at night. Gabriel helped us out yet again by picking us up at the bus stop by total coincidence so all six of us spent the evening together. We explored the ancient arena, I received a surprising cheeky kiss on the cheek from this NewYork guy we met on the streets. (Sarah that boy's cute - dom...where?-me...he just went in that building, go back and say hi to him) and so I did. It was a funny two minutes. After walking around for ages we found the centar with all of it's restaurants. The buildings were unique/beautiful/old and the aura of the whole city was very relaxed. I could definitely fall in love with that lifestyle. We talked,laughed and ate with our new friends, walked around even more, made it over to a little club during the night to celebrate Joanna's birthday. Finally, I topped the night off with a little late night skinny dipping. I was the only American bird brave/crazy enough to do it. And, I'm glad I did it. It was just me, warm clean croatian water, and the ambient abundant stars in the sky. It made me feel whole and connected to something more than just me...a lot more.
The next day we ended up at a beach in Pula about 10 minutes away. We found a very quite/ secluded area which was nice. As we walked back we saw some parasailers and I've always wanted to do it and so we did. I really recommend it, it's not scary at all but the feeling is freeing and the croatian sights were even more beautiful to see from that view. After our little parasailing adventure we drove home and stopped in Slovenia for some amazing pasta. Life is good.
While driving home us three girls were talking and Bre asked us where do your self in 5 years. "Well, I don't know" - me. "c'mon Sarah think about it"... The only words that could come out of my mouth with complete sincerity were "I guess with a passport full of stamps".

and I think I have a pretty good start.

Ciao!