Waiting on the Sun.

Yesterday I bought a couple of pumpkins to carve.
Watched one of my favorite movies (practical magic) with one of my favorite people. We've been watching that movie since we were 8. I realized then, I've always had her, always always.
I drove along river road admiring the plethora of trees that were changing in a place that has always been there for me and the routine changes of the seasons have been the markers of my life there.

I realized that this autumn would be my last one here..just like this. Going to school, seeing old friends and old roads. That's when my mind went into a million directions.
Before this, I've been doing the routine of things; wake up early in the morning, go to school, go to work, have dinner, do homework, read, and then sleep. But what's life going to look like this time next year? I know nobody knows even for their own self. This is different than most years however, I've always had my summer and then came back to school in one form or another. Well I guess perhaps I'll being going to school again next fall (but on the otherside of the desk). I keep getting e-mails saying "congratulations on starting your senior year _____ (insert an after school opportunity here). The most compelling one I've received was teach for America, the idea of the organization I find very valid and the pay even more so. I could even end up in Boston or Newyork. The most compelling part is that I could start planning for that NOW! I like planning as soon as possible, but at the same time I can be very sporatic and whimsical. I'm a weird woman. But, in the end I don't think I want to take on this job, I've worked at a low income school and it's exhausting and I don't feel that i'm adequate for the part..just yet atleast. Give me a few years to pick up some more tricks.
If you really want to know, if I had it my way I would..
first: go to germany with brigette this summer, travel for a few weeks after seeing places like prague/budapest and finally make our way to munich for oktoberfest.
second: after that adventure move up for London to be a nanny for about a year. ( reason being I think it would be nice to get to know one kid for a period of time before jumping into the sea of teaching and of course I love London)
third: Get a tefl job in Europe or Asia for a year. Travel the summer afterwards.
fourth: Find an elementary teaching job either in the east coast or europe. and travel during the summers :)

I find these ideas consuming my thoughts daily.
but what about practical magic?
or watching the river road trees change color?

Is that all over now?

Feeling fresh?

"She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly. Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere...."

"They"..the infamous they who knows all. I'm not sure who they are but i'd like to meet them. Anyways they say that smell has the strongest link to memory but I disagree. I'm currently sitting at the Beanery, my favorite little coffee house in Eugene and this song comes on. I've never heard it play in public or have listened to it in years for that matter. It instantly put this weight on my heart. It brought me back to this place, a place where I felt at home here, possibly for the last time. I sat here thinking how I feel the opposite of that. Once there was a time where I felt connected with another human being. A time of lying around in bed under the heavy dark blue comforrter, that took me months to get used to it's heat, listening to this mix of yours including this particular song. You would play it just because you knew I liked it even though you grew away from it far before you even walked into those double doors of my smoothie making teenage job. It's weird for me to think about those times because truthfully I seldom do. I grew so far past it, as if i'm a completely different person. However, ever since I got off that plane last week I've been battling this feeling of loneliness. I did it backwards, I know that now. I was young and was serious with a boy while all of my friends were single. Now, all of my friends are wrapped up in their own serious relationships, and I'm the one alone. I guess that's the proper way of doing it. Crazy first couple of years of college and then "Settling" down in the later years. On a side note: I hate that phrase "settling down", who the hell wants to settle? It means not going for what you really want which is complete bullshit. I guess i'll never be traditionalist.

A man asked me a few minutes ago if i was having fun and feeling fresh? I must not be up to date on the eugene lingo.

Motes and boats and waterfalls. Alleyways and pay phone calls

Journal exert from August 30th 2011

I sit on the edge of Crater lake; a huge abyss is beneath me filled with perfectly blue rippled water. No swimmers, no boats; a completely undisturbed part of the world. As i'm trying to take it all in I hear my sis and mum say that I must get down. "Are you trying to kill yourself by doing that Sarah". I sigh, I don't feel like I'm in any danger and I can't comprehend how anyone can grasp the beauty from any other view. I still continue sitting there with my feet dangling off the edge. I wanted to feel the wind as it's intended to be felt. Powerful. Unyielding. Unapologetic. Real. Places and moments like these or anything really are constantly wasted on superficial film purposes. I want something more than that even if it meant that my family was waiting inside the rental impala for me. I could probably sit there for hours but ultimately that wasn't up to me. My mind wandered as it tends to do. I could think of only one person in the world who might just want to sit up there along with me. Maybe just maybe. I'm quite the good daydreamer but alas I come down to reality. I'm just as alone and left to be as the lake beneath my dangling feet.

Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun.

An exert from a journal I wrote a few days ago.

August 27th 2011

Currently, I am in London England at a park near Fulham Broadway sitting on a bench with a spectrum of noises surrounding me including the overhead plane flying past, the tube railway's train driving nearby, the children playing, and the birds gawking. It's all very relaxing. A mix of life all coming together as I sit here just watching it all. My three month Euro-journey is coming to an end ( in a long grueling 30 hr long sort of way). The tears always seem to swell up in my eyes when I think about it. I feel so much more at home here than there. I've grown past that life that I have left, it's like regressing everytime I go back to that place. When I was younger I wanted to live in London and now the electricity of that dream is circulating throughout my whole body. I cant feel it..I'm so close to it. In the span of one year I've succeeded in visiting twice. For an Eugene girl who came from quite little this is a feat that I can't cease to be proud about. Italy, Germany, here and everywhere in between brings me a special feeling of happiness. It's all a lot to fully process and I feel like I never have a chance to do so. I am ALWAYS on the move. I can't look back while I move forward. Always moving forward. Is it too much? I bought this antique-esque necklace clock the other day in Leceister Square, the man set it for the english time of course. I'll never change it though. No matter where I'm at I will always know what time it is in London.

Forever and ever you'll stay in my heart.

And I will Love you..

During these last three months, I spent a lot of time with Michelle. My room mate who I just crack up with daily. Walking around in barely any clothes with, eating top ramen with, jumping on roman hostel beds with, drinking spritz with, having our dinner and sex nights with. I spent a plethora of glorious moments with this human.

Also the rest of my "beezy" crew. The five completely different human beings that were stuck together for the summer. We created this bond that I have loved. From dancing in the rain to crying in laughter to never actually watching a movie. I will miss them dearly once we all go our different directions in the world.

But...

The ones who I spent the most time with this summer, were my kindergartners. Typing this is even bringing me to tears. I try not to get attached to people. I've noticed in life that they come and go and to become less attached...the better. I couldn't help it though. These children have impacted my life tremendously. Together 40 hours a week for 12 weeks. How can life be okay again without my "goodmorning ms.sarah" every morning. Or having them repeat different languages to me or the mass amounts of hugs and love I get everyday. Swing dancing with them and creeping around the classroom to the inspector gaget song. Every one of them has something about them that I adore. I wish I could see them grow, I wish they could remember me forever. I know that I'll remember them forever. It's the first time in life that I felt that I had my OWN classroom. I had control of what to do and how to handle things. It taught me a lot about being a teacher. I had many moments where my patience was tested or my heart broken from the lives some of these children have to live. If I could I would take them home with me. My last day in the Kinder room is tomorrow and it doesn't feel real. Won't I see them again on Monday? I notice myself getting a little excited every sunday night to go back to this kinder room of mine but this monday I won't be going back.

The life of the traveler really does have it's downsides. Saying goodbye...Will when I ever perfect this art form?

Fuck. This is so hard.

You'll never reach the end of the road while you're travelling with me...

I've been here for over two months. Time has been a weird thing. On one hand I feel like I've been living this life forever and there's nothing to come back to but on the other hand I feel like I've just arrived and summer just started. It's bittersweet for me. I love Italy. I love the culture where the piazzas are crowded and there's more wine than water. I love the people and how they are themselves; just walking around topless on the beaches or saying it like it is to whoever. Nothings reserved with them. It's like a breath of fresh air to me. Some people I travel with take offense or are disgusted in these ways but i like it. Today, I went to Lake Garda and kayaked. It was amazing, I loved it. Kayaking was soothing but a work out too. The lake was warm and the sights were beautiful. We were lucky enough to kayak through part of this castle. There were swans around which just added to the whole thing, it was like some sort of fairytale. The whole thing was very picturesque. At that moment, I thought about it all. The whole summer and everything that I've done. Hiking hours in Cinque terre, parasailing in Croatia, Writing to Juliet, making wishes in the Trevi, running on the shore of the beach, looking at the vicenza stars, playing cards in the piazza, gondola rides in venice, kayaking, endless gelato. How I'm going to miss all of these moments and this new adopted lifestyle. I'm not ready to go back to it...to Oregon. I have yet to be "homesick" which is also bittersweet. Mostly..sweet. This is just more confirmation that I can do it. I can move after I graduate this year. I'm strong enough for this without wanting to be back. All of my friends are moving on with their lives in different ways than I am which is what it is. It's my time for me too but I know it won't, can't, and will never be the way most of my friends choose. I hope it's not seen as selfish or completely nuts. I want to live in so many places. I really really do. Even thinking about signing up for a two year contract freaks me out, that may just be too long at my age. Not too long to be away from "home" ( or whatever you want to call it)..but because there's so many places to live and over one year in one place is a little long. We will see what happens with that. But as this blog is titled...I hold that as true as I can with the funds I currently have. On August 19th after my Italy adventure is finally up, I'm going back to Munster to visit my british mates for a few days and then up to Edinburgh for fringe and London for fun with my friend Nina. I can't wait to see this places again. Travelling with Nina will surely be great too, I feel like we're on the same page with our ideas on the whole thing and have a similar travel outlook as well. Lastly, before that plane takes me back to Oregon. I get to go to Newyork, Boston, and Capecod with my family. This is a dream come true to me. I've always talked to my dad about Boston. I used to wear boston gear when I was a toddler. I grew up with my dad staying up late to watch the redsox. Now at the age of 21 (perfect) I'll be there with him as well as my sister and mum. Everything seems perfect. There's just this one thing...but isn't there always? Oh blogspot, One day I will try to treat you better than a stand by boyfriend but there are places to see. Oh there are places to see..
Ciao! x x x

She rules her life like a bird in flight.

As my birthday is rapidly coming around the corner, I can't help but reflect on my 20th year on earth. A julia roberts-esque smile comes to my face when I think about it all. I started off my 20th year waking up probably around 8am, eating the finest breakfast in the world at J.B's which would include "fibre" cereal, toast, and questionable fried eggs with Nina and Brigette. Going to work around 9:00am to find a Banner reading "Happy Birthday Ms.Nala" and a copius amount of birthday cards from british children. "Have a Beatal Birthday" was my favorite of course. Shelly surprising me with the cutest card with a picture of my beatle on the cover and home made cupcakes was incredibly sweet as well. Leaving work with tears almost in my eyes from Molly singing me the beatles song "When I'm 64". Getting back to my flat with my two lovely flatmates and Shelly. Shell's mum taking us to downtown munster and us walking around the town trying to find the restaurant "Alex's". ..."We all look like hookers"....Sarah you can be 1920's hooker. Nina your california hooker. After making it to Alex's we ran into about dozen soldiers from base. Let's just say I never had an empty drink the whole time at the restaurant. As it was my birthday afterall, it got a little crazy. Flaming sambuca shots nearly lit the table on fire. I ended up running outside after a boy I would like to call "dimples" for a little birthday smooch. After walking around the town a bit and ditching the obnoxious soldiers. We met one of our soon to be favorite germans outside named Dan who we ended up hanging out with on various other occasions. Danced the night way in the elephant lounge with my girls and the my favorite brits. Got home around 4 and off to work again in the morning. Life was perfect.
When I was 20 years old my first week was spent in Paris. Next Amsterdam, Edinburgh, Dublin, Liverpool and London.
I would like to emphasize the last two. When I was in my early teen years I was fascinated with London. That's where I wanted to go more than anything else. I told everyone I wanted to move there someday and I still do. But no one took me seriously back then. I was poor. Camping was my vacations. I lived in Eugene all of my life. But even being poor I still made it happen. I went there. Who ever didn't believe in me can fuck off. I'm doing it. I'm doing everything I want to. And yes it takes so much work and energy. It's my life and I'm not going to sit here and let it pass me by. As for liverpool....well that's my meca. I still can't believe I've been there.

I grew up so much during that time. It was just me and Brigette two girls experiencing the world for the first time. My first day after camp was over, I was in a german airport by myself having to find a way to another german airport to get to scotland. I took a handful of trains/busses/taxis/ and plane in one day in foreign lands. It made me independent. As for Brigette, this girl changed my life. We were always with eachother for 2 months of this crucial changing point in my life. It's a special kind of bond which is so hard to describe. If you're reading this brig...love you so much.
Coming home for the year was hard. I felt disconnected with life back home. Everyone was on this one page and I was in a whole different chapter. Everything was the same but I wasn't. The world I always knew from before was seen in a completely different lense this time. I don't think i've felt so lonely in my life. Luckily, I had a roommate that knew how to cheer me up and made me blow off too much homework for hours of complete BS and drunken chinese food. But still, I lost my old time friends this year.


So I went to Italy and am doing it alone.
I'm currently here right now.
So at 20, I've been to all the forementioned places and then some...like Verona, Vicenza, Venice, Lucca, Cinqueterre, Rome, Pisa, Pula;Croatia, Slovenia.
I've learned a lot. Sure as hell have eaten a lot, laughed, cried, lived.

I'm not sure where the wind will blow for my 21st year on earth besides back to munster, ny, boston, (hopefully budapest or prague as well). But anywhere the wind blows doesn't really matter to me. As long as it keeps on blowing.
"If I stay in one place I'll lose my mind, I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with".

I graduate college this year too.
I'm not sure how my life has become what it is but it's more than I ever expected of myself at a mere 21.

PS. Daniel Dawbers. I know you're reading. Thanks for putting up with all of my nonsense this year. x x x