Helplessness Blues

What happens when you want to run away from the place you ran to? 4 months, 15 days. I've been in Switzerland. I have about 7 more months ahead of me... I feel like I wake up just to close the curtains. I want to be adventurous. Spontaneous. Carefree Sarah. But I don't feel like I'm living. Not at all. It's like I'm falling in a bottomless pit and with each day, I feel a foot deeper...making it harder to get out of the pit. I feel so helpless. I don't want to be here but I don't want to be "home"...that would be even worse. And let's say I even did want to go "home"...there's not even a place for me to go to. I love Europe. I love Munster, I love Vicenza, and the UK. But Switzerland...I have never felt a connection with. I feel like there's no where to go. Which is the hardest thought to grasp.

I am just a poor girl.

Lastnight I chatted with my dad. We talked about the upcoming year and where it may lead me next. Unfortunately and foreseeably, he wasn't too happy about what he was hearing. Even after being here for 6 months, i don't want to come home. Even if that's what he's been wishing. I'm still me. I'm still trying to make it to the UK. My sister told me, they never took me seriously. I was hurt and confused by that. How could you not to take me seriously? I never was one to flake out or be a sedentary dreamer. My dad told me my ideas were flakey. Even if I did get into school to get my masters in the UK next year, how would I ever afford it? I stayed up lastnight I felt so much anxiety from what he was saying. I feel like the world is going against me. I can't be a teacher there. Or have any job with my qualifications. I need to get my masters there. It's the only way. I always wanted to live in the UK. Before I even met you. But now the stakes are so much higher. and means more to me now than it ever did. I'm so terrified of failing.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

Dear Blog, Time goes by too fast with Michael. I swear, I just saw him standing outside of the SBB looking around for me. But I saw him first, and I ran. I ran and put my fingers over his eyes. Once, he turned around. Nothing else existed. And today, just three days later, I saw him again at the SBB. But this time, he was leaving. I always think that the leaving thing will get easier over time. We'll get used to it. It's normal. I can't really speak for Michael but even if I will see him in less than two weeks, watching him walk onto that bus without me and then me having to turn around to the trainstation to take a train without him, is a miserable feeling. It just felt so right having someone sit next to you and holding your hand. Now, I was alone again. If you can't imagine this feeling at all...picture yourself saying bye to someone you really really care about at the airport. and Imagine having to do that constantly. On Friday He texted me at the airport in the afternoon. He forgot his bank card! wheww..way better than a passport and I really didn't mind. I like taking care of him. From that moment until 2:45pm,when i left the house, I swear time couldn't go any slower. tick tock tick tock, the clocks were mocking me the whole day. But alas it was time! As soon as Rachel got home, I bolted out of the door. The sun was shining and I was running down the hill(or mountain as me and my michael refer to it)while listening to feel good music. I could feel it. I was so close to him. I was on the train when he called and that's when I knew it was real, he made it here! When we were finally reunited in front of the trainstation and he hugged me and lifted me up. I swear, I've never felt so happy. We ended up sitting on a bench by the park I always go through to snack on some strawberry yogurt filled chocolates and a cheap croissant. It was so nice to share it with someone, not just someone, but Michael. We walked around town a bit, just chatting and holding hands. I showed him the starbucks I frequently visit, the school I go to, and just some of the basel streets. I've been doing this on my own since I got here. I haven't been able to share it with friends or family and during that moment, that's when I knew, I never would. It made me kind of sad but at the same time I felt very lucky that I had him to share it with. After this little outing in the town, we decided it was time to go to my village to meet the family, relax, and go out for some dinner. We laughed about how I always exaggerate things and that the "mountain" probably wasn't much of anything at all. This time, however, he ranked it a 4 on the "Sarah over-exaggerating scale". It made me feel better, that the hill really can be a beast, and it's just not me being out of shape. Once, we arrived, we played foosball with the kids. They loved it! and him! and he won both times...i'm better at air-hockey, I swear. After that, it was time to relax in my room for a bit. Once again, another moment where life just felt right, and I didn't feel so alone. We have this habit though, of getting too comfortable/relaxed/completely content if we spend too much time laying around...and it can interfere with real plans, however, we both know that, so we got up in perfect time to walk down the mountain for some pizza. As we were walking, we thought we were lost for sure...mostly michael, he doesn't trust my keen womanly sense of directions. But I got us there and all was well. The pizzeria was cute and petite. The prices were actually reasonable for swiss standards too (always a treasured aspect). He held my hand across the table. Can't life always be like this? When we got home, we watched Office Space (American humour that Michael seemed to appreciate...whew) and it wasn't even emotional. A very rare but good find for me. Saturday

Dear Andy

Dear Andy, I'm sorry I didn't say hi or run up and give you a hug. I really wanted to. I did. I swear. Last May, I was with my fifth graders showing them a tour of Madison. And I kept my eye out and I even saw you. You were in the computer lab with your class. I was hoping you would see me too. But you didn't. Then I contemplated running up and saying hi. I resisted...I didn't want to cause a disruption and worse of all; what if you didn't remember me? Now, I realise that's nonsense! Of course, you would have remembered me! I was in your homeroom class for three solid years. But now it's too late. I wish you could have seen me. Saw that you impacted a person's life and that I'm doing well. I even got out of my nirvana teen angst phase. I turned into a teacher, just like you. And I know that you knew that you impacted many lives but seeing it and hearing a proper thank you, surely would have made you smile. I remember leaving 8th grade and giving you a present. You gave me a huge andy-like hug and I started to cry. You told me that it would be okay, that I would do well and you had faith in me. You also said that your amazing wonderful son Pao was my age, and that you'd always be around to support our class. Andy, if I got to see you one more time. I would tell you that you were an amazing inspiration fun-loving teacher. A teacher that I'm not sure I could live up to even if I taught for 100 years. You gave so much to our community. I truly believe that you saved lives. I just hope you realised that.

Ikigai.

Dear Blog, Yesterday, I went to the Hebtsmesse (Swiss Carnival). I walked around with three other expats until the weather took a turn for the worst. It was pissing down rain and even as an Eugene girl, the rain can make a day go very sour. We ended up standing under an umbrella drinking cups of Gluhwein (pronounciation: Glue-Vine) (definition: warm red wine with spices). This was the first time that me and gluhwein met. At first it was so exciting and I couldn't stop drinking it's delicious flavours but then after a while it became hard to drink, and it made my head spin, and overall I felt sick. I walked around looking for a toilet which may have included me wandering around a cathedral. No such luck in that search but luckily, just walking around and not being around the Gluhwein fumes helped immensely. But let me talk about Ikigai. As I was drinking gluhwein and chatting with the other expats, Ikigai came up. One of the girls is a researcher in Psychology at the University of Basel. She talked about this study that was done about which groups of people live the longest and how those groups were similar in their way of life. One of the groups were Japanese and they lived by this philosophy of Ikigai. Your Ikigai is the reason why you wake up in the morning. It gives you meaning and purpose in life. Anyone who believes in Ikigai could tell you right away what they are living for. It made me think, could I do the same? This morning I was meandering through the year in accordance to my calendar. I used to be a busy a girl. A girl without a minute to spare. My reason to wake up in the morning was to learn and to become a teacher. A teacher that can transcend the love of learning to her students. But right now, I'm not a teacher. And I thought taking a gap year would be a nice breather and part of me still believes that it will be good for me in the long run. But right now, what is my Ikigai? I feel like graduating from college is tough for the identity. I need to figure out who I am without school.

The Pool of Tears.

Dear Blog, Recently, I have been reading Alice and Wonderland to my Swiss kids. Even if it is complex and has old confusing english language, they seem to be enjoying it still. However, that's besides the point. As you surely know, Alice is in a world of unknown by herself, trying to figure out where she's going...even though the funny thing is...she's trying to get somewhere but has not a clue where she even wants to go. Sometimes I feel like this. Where am I going? What am I doing? The scariest question is "Who am I anymore?". It can make a persons head spin. This week though, I could relate to this chapter titled "The Pool of Tears". It's been one of those weeks where there have been so many ups and downs. I don't want bore you with every little detail but I will tell you this. Alice drank a bottle that said "drink me", it made her small...she was happy for a moment because she could fit through the door that she wanted to make it through soooo badly. But then she realised, that she left the key on top of the normal sized table that was now much too tall for her now. Alas another challenge for Alice to face. After a bit of struggling, she found hope in a cake that was labeled "Eat me". It let her become tall enough to get the key, however, now she was much too tall for the door!! Poor Alice! She cried and cried and cried some more. Once again, she became small leaving the key on the table and now faced with another challenge..a "pool of tears". Did she make it through the door? And if she did, was the otherside everything that she hoped for? I feel like Alice because I want to get through that door so badly. I find a way to do it and then something goes wrong. I can't do that way, that try isn't going to work. I become upset. Then I become motivated to make it work again. But once again, I was let down. This time the let down was even worse because the lady on the phone said "impossible" and it made me cry. A lot. It made me lose hope. And now, I am trying to get through door, a whole new way. A way that doesn't involve the key. Just like Alice did in the end. I hope like Alice that I, too, can find my way home. Not in the literal sense but the feeling sort of way.

Ragged Woods.

Dear Blog, Sorry I neglected you, yet again. You see, I spent two marvelous weeks in the UK with the most amazing person in the whole entire world and really could not be bothered doing anything else but enjoying every minute with him. But alas, I am now back in Switzerland on my own. I do have you blog, and for that, I am thankful for. I'm not sure if you read or not but in a few posts back, I ranted about my little woods that I lived next to when I was in Eugene. It was a place to contemplate and let things go. Now after living here for almost two months, I have found that place. It's only about a five minute walk from my house. It's huge, undisturbed, noiseless, and even a little mystical. The trees are skinny and tall, their multi coloured leaves arch the pathway, allowing just the perfect amount of sun to shine through. I've been there the past few days walking aimlessly and enjoying the beautiful fall colours. I felt like Winnie from Tuck Everlasting. Eyes-wide, looking around, trying to see what kind of adventure I can get myself into. It's strange though, I always find comfort in the woods. I'm not exactly sure why but i think that the woods make me feel free. Free from the past, free from worrying about the future, and just generally free from everything. And sometimes..that can be a nice feeling. But let me get something off my chest. Something I really thought about in the woods.. I feel like ever since I was young; I've always had something attached to me. Like a "do no wrong" essence/ "nice girl". And I carried that with me. Not only do people have these standards for me, but I do for myself. But I'm not perfect even now matter how hard I tried or try. Which kills my conscious, I want to be perfect so bad. Sometimes it haunts me though, every little mistake that I've made. And moving to Europe, I thought it would be like starting from scratch. Life isn't that simple though. I guess all we can do is to live and learn and understand that no one is perfect.