Home is wherever I'm with you.

Dear Blog, Time goes by too fast with Michael. I swear, I just saw him standing outside of the SBB looking around for me. But I saw him first, and I ran. I ran and put my fingers over his eyes. Once, he turned around. Nothing else existed. And today, just three days later, I saw him again at the SBB. But this time, he was leaving. I always think that the leaving thing will get easier over time. We'll get used to it. It's normal. I can't really speak for Michael but even if I will see him in less than two weeks, watching him walk onto that bus without me and then me having to turn around to the trainstation to take a train without him, is a miserable feeling. It just felt so right having someone sit next to you and holding your hand. Now, I was alone again. If you can't imagine this feeling at all...picture yourself saying bye to someone you really really care about at the airport. and Imagine having to do that constantly. On Friday He texted me at the airport in the afternoon. He forgot his bank card! wheww..way better than a passport and I really didn't mind. I like taking care of him. From that moment until 2:45pm,when i left the house, I swear time couldn't go any slower. tick tock tick tock, the clocks were mocking me the whole day. But alas it was time! As soon as Rachel got home, I bolted out of the door. The sun was shining and I was running down the hill(or mountain as me and my michael refer to it)while listening to feel good music. I could feel it. I was so close to him. I was on the train when he called and that's when I knew it was real, he made it here! When we were finally reunited in front of the trainstation and he hugged me and lifted me up. I swear, I've never felt so happy. We ended up sitting on a bench by the park I always go through to snack on some strawberry yogurt filled chocolates and a cheap croissant. It was so nice to share it with someone, not just someone, but Michael. We walked around town a bit, just chatting and holding hands. I showed him the starbucks I frequently visit, the school I go to, and just some of the basel streets. I've been doing this on my own since I got here. I haven't been able to share it with friends or family and during that moment, that's when I knew, I never would. It made me kind of sad but at the same time I felt very lucky that I had him to share it with. After this little outing in the town, we decided it was time to go to my village to meet the family, relax, and go out for some dinner. We laughed about how I always exaggerate things and that the "mountain" probably wasn't much of anything at all. This time, however, he ranked it a 4 on the "Sarah over-exaggerating scale". It made me feel better, that the hill really can be a beast, and it's just not me being out of shape. Once, we arrived, we played foosball with the kids. They loved it! and him! and he won both times...i'm better at air-hockey, I swear. After that, it was time to relax in my room for a bit. Once again, another moment where life just felt right, and I didn't feel so alone. We have this habit though, of getting too comfortable/relaxed/completely content if we spend too much time laying around...and it can interfere with real plans, however, we both know that, so we got up in perfect time to walk down the mountain for some pizza. As we were walking, we thought we were lost for sure...mostly michael, he doesn't trust my keen womanly sense of directions. But I got us there and all was well. The pizzeria was cute and petite. The prices were actually reasonable for swiss standards too (always a treasured aspect). He held my hand across the table. Can't life always be like this? When we got home, we watched Office Space (American humour that Michael seemed to appreciate...whew) and it wasn't even emotional. A very rare but good find for me. Saturday

Dear Andy

Dear Andy, I'm sorry I didn't say hi or run up and give you a hug. I really wanted to. I did. I swear. Last May, I was with my fifth graders showing them a tour of Madison. And I kept my eye out and I even saw you. You were in the computer lab with your class. I was hoping you would see me too. But you didn't. Then I contemplated running up and saying hi. I resisted...I didn't want to cause a disruption and worse of all; what if you didn't remember me? Now, I realise that's nonsense! Of course, you would have remembered me! I was in your homeroom class for three solid years. But now it's too late. I wish you could have seen me. Saw that you impacted a person's life and that I'm doing well. I even got out of my nirvana teen angst phase. I turned into a teacher, just like you. And I know that you knew that you impacted many lives but seeing it and hearing a proper thank you, surely would have made you smile. I remember leaving 8th grade and giving you a present. You gave me a huge andy-like hug and I started to cry. You told me that it would be okay, that I would do well and you had faith in me. You also said that your amazing wonderful son Pao was my age, and that you'd always be around to support our class. Andy, if I got to see you one more time. I would tell you that you were an amazing inspiration fun-loving teacher. A teacher that I'm not sure I could live up to even if I taught for 100 years. You gave so much to our community. I truly believe that you saved lives. I just hope you realised that.

Ikigai.

Dear Blog, Yesterday, I went to the Hebtsmesse (Swiss Carnival). I walked around with three other expats until the weather took a turn for the worst. It was pissing down rain and even as an Eugene girl, the rain can make a day go very sour. We ended up standing under an umbrella drinking cups of Gluhwein (pronounciation: Glue-Vine) (definition: warm red wine with spices). This was the first time that me and gluhwein met. At first it was so exciting and I couldn't stop drinking it's delicious flavours but then after a while it became hard to drink, and it made my head spin, and overall I felt sick. I walked around looking for a toilet which may have included me wandering around a cathedral. No such luck in that search but luckily, just walking around and not being around the Gluhwein fumes helped immensely. But let me talk about Ikigai. As I was drinking gluhwein and chatting with the other expats, Ikigai came up. One of the girls is a researcher in Psychology at the University of Basel. She talked about this study that was done about which groups of people live the longest and how those groups were similar in their way of life. One of the groups were Japanese and they lived by this philosophy of Ikigai. Your Ikigai is the reason why you wake up in the morning. It gives you meaning and purpose in life. Anyone who believes in Ikigai could tell you right away what they are living for. It made me think, could I do the same? This morning I was meandering through the year in accordance to my calendar. I used to be a busy a girl. A girl without a minute to spare. My reason to wake up in the morning was to learn and to become a teacher. A teacher that can transcend the love of learning to her students. But right now, I'm not a teacher. And I thought taking a gap year would be a nice breather and part of me still believes that it will be good for me in the long run. But right now, what is my Ikigai? I feel like graduating from college is tough for the identity. I need to figure out who I am without school.

The Pool of Tears.

Dear Blog, Recently, I have been reading Alice and Wonderland to my Swiss kids. Even if it is complex and has old confusing english language, they seem to be enjoying it still. However, that's besides the point. As you surely know, Alice is in a world of unknown by herself, trying to figure out where she's going...even though the funny thing is...she's trying to get somewhere but has not a clue where she even wants to go. Sometimes I feel like this. Where am I going? What am I doing? The scariest question is "Who am I anymore?". It can make a persons head spin. This week though, I could relate to this chapter titled "The Pool of Tears". It's been one of those weeks where there have been so many ups and downs. I don't want bore you with every little detail but I will tell you this. Alice drank a bottle that said "drink me", it made her small...she was happy for a moment because she could fit through the door that she wanted to make it through soooo badly. But then she realised, that she left the key on top of the normal sized table that was now much too tall for her now. Alas another challenge for Alice to face. After a bit of struggling, she found hope in a cake that was labeled "Eat me". It let her become tall enough to get the key, however, now she was much too tall for the door!! Poor Alice! She cried and cried and cried some more. Once again, she became small leaving the key on the table and now faced with another challenge..a "pool of tears". Did she make it through the door? And if she did, was the otherside everything that she hoped for? I feel like Alice because I want to get through that door so badly. I find a way to do it and then something goes wrong. I can't do that way, that try isn't going to work. I become upset. Then I become motivated to make it work again. But once again, I was let down. This time the let down was even worse because the lady on the phone said "impossible" and it made me cry. A lot. It made me lose hope. And now, I am trying to get through door, a whole new way. A way that doesn't involve the key. Just like Alice did in the end. I hope like Alice that I, too, can find my way home. Not in the literal sense but the feeling sort of way.

Ragged Woods.

Dear Blog, Sorry I neglected you, yet again. You see, I spent two marvelous weeks in the UK with the most amazing person in the whole entire world and really could not be bothered doing anything else but enjoying every minute with him. But alas, I am now back in Switzerland on my own. I do have you blog, and for that, I am thankful for. I'm not sure if you read or not but in a few posts back, I ranted about my little woods that I lived next to when I was in Eugene. It was a place to contemplate and let things go. Now after living here for almost two months, I have found that place. It's only about a five minute walk from my house. It's huge, undisturbed, noiseless, and even a little mystical. The trees are skinny and tall, their multi coloured leaves arch the pathway, allowing just the perfect amount of sun to shine through. I've been there the past few days walking aimlessly and enjoying the beautiful fall colours. I felt like Winnie from Tuck Everlasting. Eyes-wide, looking around, trying to see what kind of adventure I can get myself into. It's strange though, I always find comfort in the woods. I'm not exactly sure why but i think that the woods make me feel free. Free from the past, free from worrying about the future, and just generally free from everything. And sometimes..that can be a nice feeling. But let me get something off my chest. Something I really thought about in the woods.. I feel like ever since I was young; I've always had something attached to me. Like a "do no wrong" essence/ "nice girl". And I carried that with me. Not only do people have these standards for me, but I do for myself. But I'm not perfect even now matter how hard I tried or try. Which kills my conscious, I want to be perfect so bad. Sometimes it haunts me though, every little mistake that I've made. And moving to Europe, I thought it would be like starting from scratch. Life isn't that simple though. I guess all we can do is to live and learn and understand that no one is perfect.

Running through the streets of Zurich

Dear Blog, Yesterday my alarm went off at 8:45am. That's sleeping in for me, however, the night before I got no sleep whatsoever. So on this particular saturday, I just didn't want to get up at all. I could stay in bed if I wanted or catch a later train but I got up anyway...Zurich was waiting on me. I felt kind of off all throughout the morning and train ride. Woke up in a funk I guess. Once, I got there, it was magically lifted. I felt better again, I felt more like myself. I walked along the streets and found some really cool shops (english bookstore..glorious, record stores, and even a fun toy shop), didn't buy anything from any of those places because zurich is literally the most expensive city in the entire world..yikes! doesn't do well on my budget even if I just got paid. But this girl can't help herself when it comes to H&M and I found this adorable short white mod dress that I'm so excited to wear around the UK in a few short weeks. I was getting hungry though and went to find a pizza place (craving pizza for the longest time) and ended up at this one right by the water (you don't even want to know how much it was for a small one person cheese pizza...zurich..that's all I can really say). Let me diverge about the water for a second, it is SO clean. I've seen a lot of canals from venice to amsterdam and they don't have shit (sorry) on Zurich. You could swim in it and not only be certain that you won't get a bunch of diseases but come out of it feeling clean and refreshed. People weren't lying about switzerland being clean..in fact all the rumours I've heard about Switzerland are living up to their word. Expensive:check. Clean:check. Beautiful: double check. Alright back to pizza. Since I was alone, the waiter sat me next to this one bloke who was alone as well. Well..this bloke (Matt) noticed me fumbling with german words and speaking English so he asked me where I was from. He turned out to be from Colorado! I hardly ever meet fellow Americans on my travels. He just graduated from uni too. We were both travelling in Zurich for the day alone so at the end of the meal we decided to hang out for the rest of the day. I was really happy about this, travelling with someone else is so much better than being by yourself, even if it was just a one-day kind of friendship. I told him about the free bike place I saw online so we walked to find it...no luck though. It was there..luckily but they ran out of bikes..suppose I wasn't the only one in Zurich with this brilliant pocket saving idea. Well on to the next idea, walk around the lake front. The lake was perfectly clear, old swiss buildings surrounded it with mountains in the background, swans swam near the edges while the sailboats lazily sailed in the center. The weather was perfect too..sunny but mild. Perfect cardigan wearing weather. And you know how much I love my cardigans. They are to me as sweaters are to Mr.Rodgers. Then Matt and I saw paddle boats and thought we should check it out. We found the place really easily and it was decently priced (even better). So we got our paddleboat!! wooohooo! It was hilarious..we exchanged very few words with the guy who gave us this paddleboat but all he said to us was "Do you know the rules".."no" (in my mind...are you kidding, how would we know the rules..you have barely said 5 words to us).."Don't go under the bridges" and then he pushed us off and we were on our way. Matt and I couldn't help but crack up over that whole scenario. back in the states they would have surely gave us some long speech with a novel full of rules and how to even use the bloody paddle boat but all this strange swiss man had to say was not to go under the bridges..and we didn't. However, this contraption squeeked like crazy. Proper annoying to say the least. But I was happy, I love being on the water. We joked throughout the ride that we were going to jump in. About half way through our ride, we stopped to take pictures and give our legs a rest. And I said "If I'm going to do it, this is it...this is the time". So I did it. I jumped into Lake Zurich. Jeans and All. Once I was in, my first reaction ended up being a mouth full of curse words. It was damn cold. But after a few minutes, I felt so alive. I was spontaneously swimming in the middle of lake zurich. I kind of forgot about matt and the paddleboat for a minute. I just swam on my back and looked all around me. This is my life and I loved it. Once I got in, I really regretted the whole jean thing but hey what's a girl to do? I wanted to swim in the lake and I have a boyfriend so going in my underwear was definitely not an option. So once I'm sitting back in my seat, matt looks over at me...and says "Hell, I've got to do it". So he did! and once we were riding back..he sincerely says "Thank you, I would have never done that if it wasn't for you". Maybe he felt alive too. I was glad that I could be a part of that. I have to tell you something about this fellow...he is ROBBIE LAND! his voice, his looks, his humor. It freaked me out during that whole day. I felt like I just spent the whole day with Robbie. I think that really helped me feel comfortable and able to joke around as if he's been my friend for longer than just this one day. So once we were back on the streets of zurich..my jeans weren't drying and god knows that they weren't going to dry anytime soon. So we found some store (Adidas), I pretended to try something on but really just changed out of the jeans and into this mod dress that I bought earlier that day. The dress is quite short and I didn't want to slut it up in Zurich so then the goose chase to find black leggings began. Luckily I found some and all was right with the world. After exploring the city more and getting coffee ($7 small starbucks..killer), I was off on the train again, feeling much better than before. I love zurich as a city. I would live in Zurich. I always judge places on if they are visit worthy or living worthy and this was definitely both. It was beautiful with a blend of nature and city. It's perfect..minus the money bit. Once, I was back in my little village of Magden, I climbed up the hill looking at the clear night sky with an abundance of stars hanging about, and at the that time, the universe just felt right.

It's time to begin... isn't it?

Dear Blog, That morning, we woke up at 4:00am. He turned on the lights. It was so bright. I remember that vividly...it was way too bright for what time it was. Can't we just go back to sleep? Wake up when we want, make tea and banter? Not this morning. After a lot of convincing, he got me up. We trudged about a mile or so to Waverly Station. At the time I was conflicted, the walk was painful, cold, dark, and uphill...I was too tired for that. I wanted the walk to be over. At the same time..I didn't. It meant much more than a stupid walk being over, it meant that summer was over. Our carefree weekends in various euro cities and the week that I just spent in the cottage...making cookies, waking up late, running around in meadows, laughing all the time, and dancing in our pub...was over. I know that we'll have more memories like that but I just wanted them to last so bad...I wanted to stay. I always thought everytime I left the UK..that I left my heart with it but this time I really did, I swear to god, I did. Finally, once the bus came..I held back. I didn't cry. He didn't say much. Then I let his hand go, walked on the bus and the bus driver was so unbelievably rude to me. I sat by myself and lost all control. I cried, and I cried hard. It brought me back to a year ago when I left my kindergartners in Italy and I took a bus all by myself to the airport straight after work. It was a cry that couldn't be stopped even though I wanted it to. There were people in pretty much every seat for christ sake...and I...I was a hot mess...an uncontrollably one at that. And then I was on my own I went to Michaels parents house for the afternoon since it was close to the airport and I could be in Frankfurt whenever I wanted. It was a Sunday, I needed to pick up my visa at the swiss consulate on Monday. All in All.. I adore them, they make me feel a part of the family and I've only met them on two occasions. His dad helped me get on the train with my two luggages at the end of the day. He kissed my cheek and waved goodbye as the train took off. I really was on my own now and I couldn't help but cry a little again. Franfurt..I hated it. I really did, I swear to god. Basically when monday afternoon hit and everythining at the consulate went smoothly, I got the hell out of there and started on my way to SWITZERLAND!!!!!!!!! I'll talk more about the family and kids in another blog...don't you worry! But for now, let me tell you, that I live on top of a hill...currently I am sitting outside on my own terrace that connects to my room. I can see all of the houses, some look so small that I could pick them up by my hands and set them on my palms. The village is surrounded by hills. It's so beautiful! I wish I could do it justice, but Blog..I really don't think I can. I'm sorry. This weekend, I went to Colmar, France, it's in the lovely famous wine region of Alsace... I went completely and utterly alone. As soon as I got to Basel SBB, I went to go to the french platforms, there was a sign there that said "France" with a sliding door. My heart fluttered! It was such a cool feeling, I stood between these sliding doors just for about 20 seconds..I was in two places at once, Switzerland and France. I felt like I was on a "Walk to Remember". In that moment...I felt infinite. Oh by the way, in preparation for the movie, I've been reading the perks of being a wallflower..for about my 4th time, so this entry may be full of references that you may or may not get. At the moment, I feel both happy and sad, and I wonder how that could be My emotions were running high..I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel constantly on the verge of tears. There were times where I wanted to cry because everything around me was just so beautiful in Colmar. It was like a fairytale, cut out hearts in the colorful shudders of the houses, cobblestone roads, bakeries, cheese shops, biscuits/ chocolate shops galoure! It was authentic too...no one spoke a lick of english. As I walked around, I would say the signs that I saw aloud to myself in the best french accent that I could muster up. It was silly but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wish I was learning french instead of German. It's a gorgeous language..it really is! "Sont de mont qui von tre bien ensemble...tre bien ensemble"...thank you beatles, thats almost as much as I really know. During my day in Colmar, I went shopping for souvenirs, after being here for 2 months, it's about time to send some love back, right? I went shopping for clothes, found an awesome maroon cord skirt..while trying things on..this song came on..one of those songs that puts you in a good mood and makes you feel alive..well it came on so while I was trying on clothes..I was dancing and jumping around. Once again, in that moment, I felt infinite. After the shopping, It was time for a snack. Tried an onion torte, thanks for 'Mum's suggestion. Really though, I don't even think I would have thought about going to Colmar without their suggestion during my graduation. Another great family that I'm so happy to have in my life. Anyways, I got off on tangents way too much, so I walked around a bit..ended up finding myself a Marche aka french market. Drank a few glasses of wine! Brilliant! I wanted to keep shopping around after that but then my wine haze started to hit. Made my way to a lovely french park and read the perks of being a wallflower and took a tiny nap. That's when I realised..when I am alone or feeling lonely, I look to my books and my writing. I want to feel connected with someone when I read or with my writing, I want someone to feel connected with me. It makes me feel less alone. And right now, I could really use that. I want you know, that I meant what I said, I really am both happy and sad. However, I am living the life that I always wanted to and I feel so lucky for that. I take it in, I appreciate everything. This isn't everyone's life. Some people don't make it out...even when they want to. It's not an easy life to live though. Constant goodbyes and change. It can be hard but someone once told me that if it's not difficult...it's not worth it. And I believe it. With every bit of me.